


Wait for It

by shannyfish



Series: Count Me In [15]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012), Supergirl (TV 2015), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Adler & Benanti, Aftermath, Agents of J'onzz, Angst, Count Me In series, DEO Lucy Lane, Danvers Sisters, Danvers family, Doctor Who References, F/F, F/M, Flarrow squints, Gen, Hamilton References, Jeremiah Danvers is alive, Series, The Pipeline, Trigon - Freeform, referencing other CW DCTV shows
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-23
Updated: 2017-01-05
Packaged: 2018-07-26 05:22:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 29,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7562035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shannyfish/pseuds/shannyfish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex Danvers is on a mission to track down the escaped prisoners.  At the top of her list is Trigon, the demonic alien who was responsible for not only the extreme damage the DEO took but also for Maxwell Lord’s death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mourning Period

**Author's Note:**

> Seriously, listen to "Wait for It" from the Hamilton Musical. 
> 
> Also, Arrow & Flash characters MAY be coming...

_Death doesn’t discriminate_ _  
_ _Between the sinners_

_And the saints_

_It takes and it takes and it takes_

_And we keep living anyway_

_We rise and we fall_

_And we break_

_And we make our mistakes_

_And if there’s a reason I’m still alive_

_When everyone who loves me has died_

_I’m willing to wait for it_

_I’m willing to wait for it_

_Wait for it_ _  
_ _~ "Wait For It" from "Hamilton"_

 

  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  


The barren desert landscape spread out around them as Alex pushed through.  Her only thought that day was to get as far away from National City as possible and she'd chosen Alice Adler to be at her side.  They'd left the DEO in a black SUV earlier than normal, J'onn hadn't even been in yet.  Everything seemed to be right with the world as they drove and Alex couldn't feel more like the world was as it once was...

 

Alex had planned this.  

 

The perfect chaperone.  

 

The most basic of missions.    
  
Nothing to raise an eyebrow at.

 

They were nearly to the halfway point when the vehicle alerted them to an incoming call.  The caller ID came up on the dash plain as day.  

 

Henshaw.

 

J'onn had found out and they weren't even there yet.  Alex tried ignoring it and then saw the looks from Adler.  Crap.  Crap.  Crap.  Crap.  She could feel Adler's glare before she reached out and tapped the button to pick up the call.  Alex stayed quiet.

 

An angry voice immediately filled the cabin of the vehicle.  "Danvers, what the hell are you thinking?  Vasquez says you and Adler are halfway to--"

 

"Sir, I didn't know that this mission wasn't sanctioned," Adler interrupted.  "Or else I would have kicked Danvers' ass myself."

 

Now Alex glared over at Adler.  Was it really _so hard_ to support her?  Sure, she had tricked Adler...well, she just hadn't told her _all_ the details.  She'd made sure not to lie to her, but she hadn't told her the _entire truth_ of it either.  

 

"I'm assuming that Danvers is driving," J'onn said.

 

"She is," Adler confirmed.

 

Alex slammed on the breaks.  There was no use in pushing her luck.  Even if Adler didn't force her over, J'onn and Kara could get to them quickly enough to stop them.  "I'm not going," she finally spoke up.  

 

Adler was just staring at her now.  "Going where?"

 

"Maxwell Lord's funeral," J'onn filled in.

 

"Get the fuck out of the driver's seat," Adler ordered her angrily.  "You always think that you know what's right, Danvers...but in this case...you're dead wrong.  You need to go to it.  You need the closure."

 

She didn't know if she'd truly ever get closure.

 

Alex didn't argue though and got out to switch places with Adler.  She tried to ignore the string of obscenities that spewed from Adler's mouth.  There was something else about how she hadn't even gotten a donut that morning because of Alex.  Getting into the front passenger seat, she pulled her seat belt until it clicked into place, and then looked out her window uninterested in anything else that was going on with the call between J'onn and Adler.  

  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  


Kara was waiting at the DEO along with Benanti with a black dress for her to wear.  She didn't want to wear it, she didn't want to go.  She wanted to drive out for the day, as far as she could, and forget the horrors that had happened in their own house.  She'd mourned Max as much as she'd felt able to and she didn't know if she could handle pushing herself to go to the funeral and possibly trigger a more mournful state.  

 

"I know you don't want to go."

 

"Then you shouldn't be forcing me to," she said as she turned to look at him.  Alex had done as requested, she'd changed into the black dress with matching heels and had run a brush through her hair once again.  Crossing her arms over her chest, she scrunched up her shoulders.  

 

" _Alexandra_ ," he whispered as he moved towards her.  "Please, understand, that I am doing this for you.  You might not think you need to be there today, but I do not want you to live regretting missing it."  He didn't seem phased by the grumpy look on her face, which wasn't new.  

 

She turned her head away, she hated when he actually called her by her full first name.  It didn't happen often and he only did it when he really needed to put emphasis on what he was saying.  Still, she didn't like it.  

 

"You've trusted me this long, trust me a few hours more?" J'onn offered.

 

Sighing, she turned to look back at him, now only a few feet away, he was still obviously trying to mind her space.  "I trust you...always...completely."  She'd always trusted him, even when he'd revealed himself to her as J'onn J'onzz and she'd kept that all to herself.  She still didn't know how everyone hadn't freaked out a little more when he'd revealed himself when he'd saved her and Charlie...but then the world seemed like it was about to end (and Alex had been home for nearly a week in bed).  

 

"I have something that I think Max would have wanted you to have."

 

This caught her attention.  What could he possibly have that Max would have wanted her to find?  He hadn't brought anything to the DEO that could have been left behind except the clothes he'd been wearing when they'd been rescued from the gala.  "Okay," was all she managed to say in response.  

 

"I thought that maybe you might need it," he clarified as he held out his hand.  Resting on his palm was a familiar band, the ring that she'd thought was her wedding ring.  She'd worn it for so long even after they'd known that they weren't married and that they'd been given false memories of a future.  It had been a comfort to her for so long, but she'd given it back to Max.  Alex just stared at it, blinking, and soon tears rolled down her cheeks.  

 

"Where did you find it?" she finally asked as she tentatively reached out to take it.  

 

"In The Pipeline," J'onn explained.  "It must have fallen out of his pocket--"

 

Her fingers pressed the cool metal between the pads as she stared from it to him.  "I thought you didn't find anything of Max--"

 

"Just the ring," he told her.  "Everything else...it was too badly burnt and destroyed."

 

"Thank you," she whispered as she turned her attention back to the ring and then slipped it onto her finger.  As she stared at it, that simple band, it once again brought some comfort to her.  It wasn't the same as before...and it wasn't the same as Max being alive, but it gave her a feeling that he was there with her.  

 

"We should go," he added gently a moment later.  

  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  


The sea of emotion that hit her was unexpected.  Losing someone wasn't something new, it happened from time to time at the DEO (and it happened all the time throughout the world).  Alex kept reminding herself that Max hadn't been the only one who had died, but that didn't help things...she just kept seeing him being dragged under the barrier...she kept thinking that she'd just fought with him right before...and she couldn't drop the guilt that was weighing on her.  It all felt like her fault and yet he was the one that was gone.

 

It was so wrong.

 

It felt like a nightmare.

 

Standing there in black in a sea of black.  

 

An empty coffin in front of her.

 

A ring on her hand.

 

It meant nothing, but at the same time meant so much.

 

Alex should have said something.

 

Somehow, the blue journal that Max had given her had found its way into her hands.  She didn't remember if it had been in her locker or if someone had brought it from her apartment.  Clutching it, all she could think of were 'what ifs' and of the future that really wasn't theirs…

 

Everything happened around her, but she couldn't hear any of it or really take any of it in.  It was like she was paused and the world around her was still silently moving.  People moving around her, past her, and then leaving.  Some of them seemed to say words, but she couldn't hear them or process them.  

 

He was gone.

 

Max was dead.

 

It was real.

 

The hand that didn't move from her shoulder was enough to pull her from her still trance like state.  Eventually, her head turned and she saw who it belonged to.  Her father was there, he was the one who had pulled her out of it.  He wasn't alone, her mother and Kara were right there too.  Alex didn't miss J'onn, Adler, and Benanti standing in the distance.  They were all likely there as support, to make sure that if she needed them...they were there.

 

As much as the emotion had hit her before...now she was just numb.  

 

"Do you need another minute?" her father asked gently.

 

Alex felt like she needed something more than another minute, maybe another lifetime where she could make up what she'd done...where she could make the right choices...where she could keep Max alive...where maybe she'd be able to give him a chance...where maybe the future would be more certain.

 

"This is my fault," Alex found herself whispering.

 

"Alex, it's not your fault," her sister spoke up just as quietly and Alex didn't miss her heartbroken tone.  

 

This wasn't the first funeral she'd attended where she'd mourned over an empty coffin and felt like somehow the death was on her.  She'd gotten her father back after years of regret and guilt.  Alex knew that that was a once in a lifetime fluke.  Max was gone.  Trigon had murdered him.  Max's body had been destroyed and lay scattered in ash amongst the rubble of what was left of The Pipeline.  She sucked in a shaky breath and clung to the journal in her hands even more, making her fingers hurt.  

 

"We'll meet you back at the car," she heard her father say.  He put an arm around her, but Alex didn't look at him.  She just looked down at the black empty coffin that they'd already lowered down into the earth.  People were waiting on her in order to fill the hole in, but it was so hard for her to just go.  "Alex?"

 

"He was so lonely in this world," she whispered.  "He had so much.  He had more than he probably ever imagined...but he had nothing."  Alex looked over at her father, tears streaming down her face.  "I shouldn't have loved him.  There are so many reasons why I shouldn't have…"

 

"Love doesn't need reason," Jeremiah whispered.  "Love is something that happens on its own."

 

"He was a danger to Kara--"

 

"I think he changed."

 

And he was right.

 

"The last thing I said to him--"

 

He father pulled her into a tight hug.  He kissed the top of her head.  "I remember the last words you said to me.  You were angry…"  She squeezed her eyes shut.  Those words, she remembered every single one of them.  With her eyes still closed, she could envision the scene like it had happened moments before.  Everything that she'd lived with, the weight and pain and regret of it for all these years…  "But Alex...when I thought that those were my last moments with J'onn J'onzz hovering over me in Peru...all I could think of was you and your mother and Kara…  Your happy faces.  That's why I asked him to look out for you.  No matter how upset you had been, I knew it wasn't because of me...it was the situation and you were too young to understand why I had to do it."  Jeremiah lifted her chin so that they were staring at one another.  "Forgiveness, can you imagine?  It's such a simple thing, Alex.  You forgave me for being in Peru for all of these years...for not remembering...for not being here when you needed me.  I forgave you the moment you said those words.  Forgive yourself for Max.  From what I saw of him, he loved you.  He wouldn't want you to live with that guilt or that heaviness on your soul.  Trust me, Sweetheart."

 

She didn't know if she could do it.

 

"I just want one more minute...alone," she said as she turned back to where the coffin lie below their feet.

 

"I'll wait for you at the car," he said before leaving her.  

 

This was supposed to be closure.

 

All those years ago, she remembered her father's funeral and wake.  Those funeral traditions were supposed to help the family through the grief, to find some kind of closure.  That's what this was supposed to do.  She didn't feel any of that.  She was angry at herself.  Alex closed her eyes and thought about Max, when they'd been at the gala...when they'd been dancing...the look on his face...how happy he'd seemed...how free she'd felt in those moments...that's how she wanted to remember him.  "You are loved by so many, but by no one more than me," she breathed out.  Maybe it wasn't entirely true because she knew how lonely Max was in life, but it was what felt right.  She just hoped that if there was such thing as an afterlife that he could hear her.  

 

She hoped that he knew that.

 

That she loved him.

  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  


"Alex!"

 

There wasn't time.  

 

"Alex!"

 

She squeezed her eyes shut and waited.  She knew that she couldn't just flat out ignore Kara.  There had been enough pushing away of her sister and parents (and pretty much everyone else that she cared about).  Alex knew that it wasn't right and that she couldn't keep doing it.  It was just another way to punish herself, but really she knew that it was hurting them.  She knew that.  "Kara, I have--"

 

"You're not doing this alone," her sister said, her voice was gentle yet strong.  It wasn't angry or demanding or anything else.  It was just Kara.  

 

Alex's eyes opened and she stared at her sister.  "You and I both know that there's no way that J'onn is going to let me go out after Trigon...not today, not--"

 

"Yeah, well...we're in this together," Kara told her.  Alex's eyes picked up Kara holding her locket and automatically, Alex's fingers wrapped around her own matching one.  "El may-arah."

 

"El may-arah," Alex whispered an echo.

 

"Yeah, we're not letting either of you just go off without help," Jeremiah spoke up.  

 

"From what I saw...that thing is a lot more than even you two can handle together," Eliza added.

 

"Well, I'm not letting Trigon remain out there," Alex countered.  "He'll kill more people.  He's already done enough of that."

 

"That's why you're not going alone."

 

The voice caught them all by surprise.  Behind her parents, Alex saw him.  J'onn was there, disguised as Hank Henshaw.  "I know what you're going to say," Alex began.

 

"Then you know that there's no way that I'm going to let you...any of you...do this without backup," J'onn stated.  "I thought we were all in this together."

 

Alex wasn't sure what to say.  She knew that J'onn's concerns about her were valid, but at the same time he obviously knew her well enough to know that she wasn't going to let this go.  "I can't sit back at the DEO--"

 

"That's not how it's going to work," he promised.  "But we're going to do this smartly."  That seemed to get both of her parents' attention.  "Vasquez has been tracking Trigon and the movement of the other escapee's as best as she can.  That's not going to be enough.  We're going to have to have The Pipeline replaced and repaired...at the very least...just the one section."  He was right.  They couldn't expect to just go after all of the escaped prisoners without a suitable prison to put them in.  "I've already been in contact with Mr. Ramon.  He's been already working on a way to replace the areas that won't be able to be repaired and coming up with an alternative to what we already have."

 

"What do you mean?" Eliza questioned.

 

"Instead of locking them up like we have, he's looking into designing stasis chambers," J'onn explained.  "They would be more efficient in a lot of ways, safer, and they would also provide a dreamstate for those who are put in them."

 

"How viable is this option?" Jeremiah asked.  "The technology--"

 

"I'm going to let Mr. Ramon figure that part out," J'onn said holding up a hand.  "Right now, I'm concerned about all of us keeping clear heads."  Now he was looking directly at her.  "And I know you, Alex.  I know that you won't allow to stay behind.  That you _need_ to be out there."  J'onn motioned around to everyone.  "Well, _we_ need you to be alive and safe.  So, if I feel like you're a danger to yourself or anyone else...I will pull you from duty and lock you up myself, am I clear?"

 

Alex didn't even blink.  "Deal," she said.  He was right, if she was a danger...then she needed to be pulled from the field.  She wouldn't like it.  Alex liked to think that she could hold it together, but the truth was...she wasn't sure.  She didn't want to put anyone's life in danger.  Too many lives had already been lost because of Non, Trigon, and Myriad.  

 

"I'm assuming that you're going to allow Jeremiah and I to help?" her mother spoke up.

 

J'onn looked at them both.  "I'm fairly sure I don't have a choice in it."

 

He was right.

 

It was in the genes.

  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  


TBC…

  



	2. The Science Squad

"Why am I here?"

 

"Because you were summoned," her father reminded.

 

Alex sat there on the expensive overstuffed furniture in the waiting area nervously, her hands up to her face, hunched over, tapping her toes against the glossy tile beneath her feet, and feeling like her lungs were twisting inside of her.  "I hate being summoned…"  She didn't want to be there and she hadn't wanted her parents to come with her, but now...now she was glad that she had their support.  There had been so much over the last two weeks and she had found herself really leaning on them, finding a balance and realizing how much she could have used her dad in all of those lost years.

 

Everytime she looked at her father...she remembered that Max had given him back to her.

 

"Ms. Danvers?" someone spoke up.

 

Alex looked over and then got to her feet.  There was a neatly dressed assistant standing a few feet away.  "Yes?  I'm sorry, I don't even know why I'm here…"

 

"The reading of Mr. Lord's will, Ma'am," the secretary stated.  "You and your parents can follow me…"

 

Alex and her parents were escorted to a rather large conference room, it seemed like they were the last ones to be brought there.  At the end of the table was the lawyer with files and papers in front of him.  She settled into a chair and her parents stood along the edges of the room.  It was packed and Alex just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.  Lord Technologies just reminded her of Max.  Everything...it reminded her of Max.  It was like a knife to her heart.  

 

"Now that everyone is present, I will begin with the reading of Mr. Lord's will," the lawyer spoke up as he slid his glasses into place.

 

As he spoke, Alex listened.  She spun the simple ring on her finger.  She stared down at the smooth surface of the conference table.  It was so sad in her mind that Maxwell Lord's legacy came down to this reading…  These people that didn't know who he was.  Alex was certain that none of the people at the table had been a true friend to him, none of them knew him, and that they were all there just for the money.  

 

"Alexandra Danvers."

 

Her head shot up.  Alex didn't know when Max would have added her to his will, he'd never said anything, but she was fairly certain that it was shortly after they'd been rescued from the White Martian.  It had to be.  It was the only time in her mind that made sense.

 

"You receive all of Mr. Lord's shares in Lord Technologies and he has appointed you CEO," the lawyer announced.  "Which, of course, will also be dependent on you meeting with the board...it is Mr. Lord's wish, but--"

 

"CEO?" Alex blurted out confused, blinking and trying to take in what was being told to her.  She had a job.  She worked with the DEO.  Max knew that.  He'd always thought that they clicked so well when it came to science, but running Lord Technologies wasn't what Alex wanted.  She wanted to get out there and take down Trigon.  She wanted to avenge Max's death.  She couldn't do that from a boardroom.  

 

"I can go over it more with you at the end," the lawyer said gently.

 

Alex just nodded.  It was a lot to take in.  Max had given her his company?  She glanced over at her parents briefly and forced herself to remember to breathe.  She didn't know if she could even bring herself to have such a large piece of Max…  It wasn't that she wanted to forget him, that was so far from the truth, but she didn't know if she could really have such a large reminder of all of the pain that she was still feeling.  

 

Legacy.

 

Max had always wanted to leave behind a legacy.

 

He'd left behind Lord Technologies.

 

In the right hands, it could be a legacy...it could pass on the message that Max had always wanted all along.  It could be a beacon of good in the world.  It could be something more than a company that was about profit.  It could be a betterment of humanity.  Alex just stared down at her ring and wondered how he could put this weight on her shoulders.

 

All she wanted was him back.

 

She wasn't his legacy.

 

How could she?

 

She was damaged.

 

She was broken.

 

She couldn't do this.

 

But how could she deny his wishes?

 

That thought stuck with her.  Alex just sat there thinking about that thought throughout the entire rest of the reading of the will.  Even after nearly everyone had left, Alex just sat there and thought over that very question.  

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


It was all too much and as much as she wanted to just go home and lay in bed, she knew that there was too much to do back at the DEO.  Sure, J'onn had given her the day off, but she wouldn't be able to actually sleep or lay in bed without thinking of all of the things she _ could _ be doing...what she  _ should _ be doing…  Her parents, however, refused to let her go alone.  Maybe she would regret them both having clearance to her place of work.

 

"What are you going to do about Lord Technologies?" her father asked as they drove.

 

"I don't know," Alex mumbled.  She was trying not to think about it.  "I'm not exactly CEO material…"  

 

"You don't have to do it alone, you know," her father reminded.  "You have support."

 

"I'm not leaving the DEO," Alex pointed out.  "And Max knew that."

 

"We could help you," her mother put out there.  

 

"Not that we know anything about running a company," Jeremiah stated.  "But we know science…"

 

"I don't think Max ever really wanted his company to be so detached from the science," Alex admitted.  As good as Max seemed at everything else, including the politics, of his own company...she knew that that wasn't what he wanted deep down.  "He just didn't want his name forgotten…"

 

"So far, CatCo Media seems to be headlining him as a hero," Eliza said.

 

Which was a start.

 

There just seemed like there was so much more that needed to be said about Max.  Like the world didn't know the real him.  Sometimes Alex hadn't even thought he knew who the real Maxwell Lord was...and he was Maxwell Lord.  He'd done a lot of things that were bad...that were bad choices...but that wasn't who he was...that wasn't the Max that Alex knew was deep down inside of him wanting to be seen by all.  He'd just been so alone for so long…

 

"Alex?"

 

"Sorry," she mumbled.  "Was thinking…"  It was enough thinking, though, she thought as they pulled up to the DEO complex.  Her mother was right, though, at least there was that…

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


"Is that Cisco?"

 

"What's a Cisco?" her mother questioned.

 

Adler was almost immediately handing out donuts.  "You know you had the day off, right?"

 

"Yep," Alex said before taking a bite of her donut.  "What is Cisco doing and did he bring friends?"

 

"He's here to fix The Pipeline," Adler commented.  "Didn't think he'd show up so quickly, but you know how the boss gets...especially when he uses his growly voice…"

 

Suddenly Benanti was there, as if she'd just popped up from the other side of the donut box.  She was going through the donuts in her wife's possession almost immediately.  "He sounds like the beast when Belle refuses to go to dinner…"  Lara grabbed a brightly sprinkled donut and beamed at the lovely treasure in her possession.  "Then you can starve," she said in her best 'beast' voice.

 

Alex just blinked for a moment.  She actually knew that voice.  J'onn used that voice a lot when he was really grumpy.  He also just didn't like people there that weren't DEO agents.  "How many people are there?"

 

"Don't we know the one?" Lara questioned as they all looked in the direction of the room they were all sitting in.  "The one with the fantastic hair?"

 

"Maybe?"

 

"Yeah, well...since you're here," Adler said.  "I hereby put you in charge of them…"

 

Alex sighed.  

 

Before she could complain, Adler was already defending her choice.  "You're a scientist...they're scientists...I think...if I'm left in charge, I'm likely to shoot one of them...or all of them…" she said dead serious.  "Also, that zoom-y guy is here."

 

"Zoom-y guy?" Alex questioned as Adler and Benanti started to walk away.

 

"That one that helped Kara after we were all trapped in here...he zooms around and wears that red suit?" Adler put out there before disappearing with the box of donuts.

 

"The Flash?"

 

"Does she always have donuts with her?" her mother questioned.

 

"That's sort of her thing...if she doesn't have a pink box with donuts...I worry," Alex admitted with a shrug.  She looked towards where Cisco and his team were, let out a sigh and placed her hands on her hips before looking around for J'onn.  She needed to touch base with him before going in and talking to them.  

 

"Looking for J'onn?" 

 

"Yeah--"

 

"He's behind you," her mother said with a smile.  "We'll let you two talk." 

 

Alex turned and found him standing there, looking a tad amused, which was surprising after what she'd just heard from Adler and Benanti.  "You're not so grumpy looking," she commented lightly.

 

"Adler and Benanti?" he questioned.

 

"Well, they're the only ones I've talked to so far," Alex said.

 

He put his hands on his hips and looked around before looking back at her.  "Did Benanti do her beast impression?"

 

"Maybe…"

 

"What are you doing here, Alex?"

 

"I couldn't just stay home," Alex told him.  "And Max…"  She pushed out a breath and looked down for a moment before looking back to him.  Her voice lowered and she tried to keep her words from breaking the best that she could.  "Max left me his company."

 

"Lord Technologies is yours?"

 

"Something like that," Alex said with a shrug.  "I don't want to run his company," she continued in frustration.  "I want to work here...at the DEO...chasing aliens...working with Kara...working with you…"  She shook her head.  "And Max knew that…"

 

"You're brilliant in your scientific field, Alex," he reminded gently.

 

"Could you really see me there?"

 

"No."

 

"Well--"

 

"But you didn't turn it down?"

 

"No," Alex said in a huff.  "I mean, Max  _ wanted  _ me to have it...and it's  _ his legacy _ ...and I'm one of the few people who actually knows _ who  _ he was...what he  _ did  _ for everyone...what he  _ sacrificed _ …"

 

"He loved you."

 

She didn't need to be reminded of that, she knew that.  It wasn't a comfort, but a weight that she carried.  Alex was still wearing the wedding band on her finger and every night she'd go to bed with the blue journal tucked under her pillow.  "I just can't stay home, I need to be here...I need to be helping...to do something…"  

 

The DEO had to be rebuilt.

 

"Adler gave me charge of the scientists already," Alex added as she nodded in the direction of Cisco and his team.

 

"Well, we sort of know them all," J'onn said.  "Apparently."

 

"Apparently?"    
  
"Cisco Ramon."

 

"Yep, remember him," Alex said as she looked down.

 

"Curtis Holt from Palmer Technologies."

 

Her hand immediately went up to the locket that she and Kara both wore that she'd tucked into her shirt.  Alex pressed against it through the material of her clothing.  "Okay."

 

"Felicity Smoak from Palmer Technologies, Doctor Caitlin Snow from STAR Labs, and Barry Allen...who's better known as The Flash," J'onn told her.  

 

She looked up and him and then over at the group.  "So, at least we don't have to be super cautious around them…"

 

"No, Kara's already been in there...as Kara…  She and Barry were hugging and giggling a lot…"

 

"He's not good enough for her," Alex mumbled.

 

She caught a smirk out of the corner of her eye before she turned back to J'onn.  "They never are."  They were both quiet for a long moment.  "Apparently Smoak and Holt also work with the Green Arrow...so we've got all of these scientists who are used to being part of a superhero team."

 

"Just as long as they fix The Pipeline, so we can go after Trigon."

 

His expression changed to a sadder one all of the sudden.  "It can't be rushed, Alex."

 

"I know," she whispered sadly.  That didn't mean that she didn't want it done quickly.  Cisco had dropped it in quick enough.  Of course, there had been problems when they'd first put prisoners in there, but it had been quickly fixed.

 

"Are you sure you want to be in charge of them?  I could have Harewood or Benanti--"

 

"No," Alex said.  "It'll be fine…  Adler made a good point anyways.  I'm a scientist and they're scientists, so who better to keep an eye on them and basically act as the go between?"

 

"You've been through--"

 

"You know I'm not just going to sit in the control room with Vasquez or stay home," she said gently and almost desperately.  "I just can't do that…  I have to be here.  I have to be helping.  I have to be doing  _ something _ ."

 

"Just know that if you decide you can't do it anymore that I'll have someone else keep an eye on them," J'onn let her know.  "I don't want you to feel like you have no way out of this assignment."

 

"Understood."

 

"I mean it, Alex."

 

She didn't want to stick with this subject and pressed to change it.  "I can't believe that you made Adler babysit...you know how much she hates that."

 

"She thought she was babysitting Benanti all those years before...now they're married," J'onn reminded with a smile.  Everyone knew that story.  It was a good tale to tell agents so they knew that Lara Benanti had more than one side, it wasn't just the sunny bright crazy side...but the kickass warrior side too.

 

"I should go get the scientists going…"

 

"What about the other scientists you've let loose on my base?"

 

"Huh?"

 

"Your parents."

 

Alex smiled at that.  "I figured that they wouldn't hurt anything...and they insisted…"

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


Alex entered the room to a conversation already in progress.  They knew that other heroes existed beyond National City, but really...this was the first time since Kara had come out as Supergirl that they'd really called on them and needed the help.  And it wasn't just the city, the people, or Kara that needed the help...it was the DEO…  Asking for help really wasn't something that the DEO did, especially because normally that meant that they would need to ask the army for help and they just didn't like dealing with General Lane if they could avoid it (and they did, like the plague).  

 

The players that she hadn't previously met had already been identified for her by Vasquez right before she'd stepped into the room.  Felicity Smoak was a blonde tech hacker genius with glasses that didn't hide her beauty.  Curtis Holt was a big man with possibly the most amazing hair that Alex had ever seen, he worked with Smoak and was also a tech genius...he was also part of the maker of the lockets.  Cisco Ramon they already knew, he was wearing a Pac-Man shirt today, so Alex was guessing that games might be the theme of his shirts for the week.  Caitlin Snow was beautiful and had a haunting past, but also a brilliant doctor.  Then there was Barry Allen...The Flash...he was a superhero made because of the particle accelerator burst in Central City but he was also a forensic scientist.  So, really...everyone in that room had a reason to be there, even if Alex couldn't piece the actual individual tasks just yet.

 

"I didn't bring my superhero with me," Felicity stated.  "I figured it would get a little crowded around here if we were all bringing our entire entourage…"

 

"Probably better that he stayed home, Kara being shot in the back with an arrow...that's not exactly the _ best _ first impression," Barry put out there.

 

"He doesn't  _ always _ ...do that," Felicity said awkwardly.  She pushed her glasses up and then looked around as she crossed her arms over her chest.  And then it was like they'd suddenly realized Alex was there.  "So!  We're here about the DEO's Pipeline."

 

She gave a nod and then sat at the end of the table, everyone turning their attentions to her.  "You are," Alex confirmed.  "So many of you--"

 

"I hope that's okay," Cisco blurted out.  "I mean...Felicity and Curtis can help with the tech...troubleshooting--"

 

" _ Fixing your errors _ ," Felicity jabbed.

 

There was a quick exchange of glares.

 

"We also thought you'd maybe like Cisco supervised," Caitlin added in there.  "Though, I'm actually here for the stasis systems...and Barry, well...he's fast…"

 

"That's fine," Alex said, trying to push forward a smile.  It was a fake one, but it was all she could muster in that moment.  "Obviously, we want to try to repair The Pipeline as soon as possible.  I understand that a lot is going to have to be replaced and upgraded, but we still need a timeline and to know what will need to be brought in."

 

"I actually already have been told that most of the materials I requested are already here," Cisco said as he motioned around with his hand.  "The agent that was teasing me with a box of donuts said that it had arrived."

 

"Oh," Alex said.  "She would be right then--"

 

"Is there a reason she passed us off?"

 

Alex shrugged.  "Adler really doesn't do well with babysitting...especially babysitting scientists."  It was the honest truth.  "I think you are all safer in my hands."

 

Felicity opened her mouth as she tapped her pen against a pad of paper on the desk.  "And name--"

 

"She's Agent Alex Danvers," Cisco filled in.

 

"She's also Kara's older sister," Barry beamed.

 

"You  _ really _ don't know how to keep _ any  _ secrets, do you?" Felicity asked Barry, but it came out as a scold.  Barry just shrugged in return.

 

Alex covered her face and took a breath for a moment.  Maybe this was too much.  As much as she needed to do something, maybe this wasn't it.  She uncovered her face and looked at them.  "Have you had your plans approved by Henshaw yet?"

 

"I mean, I've sent him the basics...but I haven't worked up the final draft," Cisco said.

 

"You said you had it all figured out," Caitlin scolded this time.

 

Cisco tapped his temple.  "Yeah, it's all up here."

 

There was a collective sigh.  "Well, that's going to be your goal first," Alex said evenly.  "All of you together, get the final draft plan done so that the boss can approve it and this can all get done."

 

Caitlin raised her hand, as if she were still in school and waiting to be called on.  "I was wondering if I could work with your doctors and look at the alien DNA, so that I can better look over the stasis cell--"

 

"Of course," Alex said before letting her finish.  She got to her feet and motioned for Doctor Snow to come with her.  "An hour...we'll meet back here...all of us...and hopefully there's something more final."  No one argued and the brunette doctor moved silently with her as she left the room.

 

"Sorry about all of that, we all thought Cisco had already finalized the plans," Caitlin apologized.  "I mean, the specifications for stasis will likely have to be individually personalized to each species...there are other factors, of course...but everything else...it should have been done."

 

Alex just walked quietly towards med bay.  "I think we're just all on edge."

 

"Understandably so."

 

When she got to med bay, she found her parents both there.  She sighed.  "Mom?  Dad?" she questioned.

 

"We're not being in the way, I promise," her mother spoke up first.  "Doctor Hernandez asked if we'd help with a few things…"

 

Alex noticed how her mother seemed to be waiting for something, likely for her to introduce them to the person that they hadn't met yet.  She turned and motioned to Caitlin and then to her parents.  "Doctor Caitlin Snow, my parents...Doctors Eliza and Jeremiah Danvers."  Her parents moved forward and shook Caitlin's hand in turn.  "Caitlin's here from STAR Labs in Central City to try to help us get The Pipeline fixed and upgraded."

 

"I'm going to be working on the specifications for the stasis chamber," Caitlin explained.

 

"Really?" both of her parents questioned.

 

It seemed like her parents were more than okay with not only helping Doctor Hernandez, but it seemed like helping Doctor Snow on her project as well.  At least they wouldn't be in the way or in any trouble.  "Oh-kay...I'm going to go...track Adler down…"

 

"For another donut?" her mother asked.  

 

"To spar," Alex corrected.  

 

Really at this point, she would spar with anyone at the DEO.  She just thought that maybe it would help focus her and work out some of the anger that she still had.  Alex might not be able to go back and change what had happened, but she knew that she could get herself into the right headspace in order to make the future a better one.

 

"Just be careful, Sweetie."

 

Alex just sighed and waved a hand as she left.  

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


TBC…

  
  



	3. Harsh Reality

"Hi."

 

Alex looked over her shoulder, as if she didn't believe the person who the voice belonged to was actually there.  "Hi," she echoed and then let out a sigh before she was immediately enveloped in a hug.  She clung to her sister, but at the same time was struggling to keep her emotions in check.  She'd been telling people all day that she was fine, it was a lie, but it had been necessary to keep her from being sent home.  Everyone was working, so she had to as well.  

 

"It's late," Kara whispered as they just continued to hold each other.

 

"What time is it?" she questioned, not willing to argue when she didn't have any idea what time it actually was.  

 

"Eleven-thirty."

 

When they finally separated, Alex tried to take that in.  Everyone was still working, though she had noticed some changes in the shift.  She knew that Cisco was a person who worked all kinds of crazy hours, so it really was a constant thing for him until he felt like it was going somewhere where someone could step in and work on it for a few hours while he slept and not mess it up.  She figured this had to be the case because she would have guessed it was closer to six if she'd guessed the time.  

 

"Mom and Dad?"

 

"They're already home," Kara supplied and then tilted her head.  "Well, at your place…"

 

"Yeah, they're still worried that I'm going to breakdown or something."

 

"Which is okay," Kara said slowly.

 

Alex gave her sister a small smile.  "Drive home with me?"  It wasn't something that they normally did because Kara could fly...and she was normally needed somewhere else.  Alex just figured that it wouldn't hurt to ask and if J'onn saw her leaving without someone, he'd insist to drive along...and she just wasn't ready for that amount of time in a car with him.  They'd have to talk and she wasn't really ready to talk to him.  Kara, though, she wouldn't push...and they could talk about anything and her sister would be fine with it.  

 

"Yeah, but let me change," Kara said with a smile as she motioned to the Supergirl suit she was still wearing.  

 

"I'm in no hurry."

 

Kara left her to go change and Alex just stood there watching from The Pipeline's bridge as work was done.  She couldn't bring herself to take a step into it, but there was some relief in knowing that it would be rebuilt, that it would be stronger, and that better measures would be in place for the more violent species that they normally housed down there.  

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


"I heard about what happened here.  I'm sorry."

 

Alex snapped out of it and looked over at the blonde.  "I suppose it's our own faults...for having this alien prison here--"   
  
"You didn't know that the alien prisoners would be released," Felicity pointed out.  "And Cisco's tech is normally pre-tty solid...though I'll deny that if you tell him I said that," she said quickly with a wave of her hand.  "We'll make sure that that kind of thing doesn't happen again...the whole cells opening when they shouldn't thing...I mean, the whole plague spreading and killing people thing shouldn't happen either," Felicity continued to ramble.  "But I was meant...you know...the part that we could actually...pre-vent--I'm going to stop talking now."

 

There was something adorable about Felicity Smoak and apparently every other scientific person that Cisco knew.  There was something about each one of them that reminded her of Kara, Alex was certain that it was the spark of light that her sister contained within her.  Alex just nodded and pushed forward a smile.  "I got it," she said.  "And I appreciate you all just leaving your respective cities and people--"   
  
"Just hoping they're not changing anything on the computers back home," Felicity mumbled.

  
"And I personally really appreciate it," Alex confided quietly.  "I just really need things to go back to normal...well, as normal as things get around here."   
  
"We don't have aliens, but I know what you mean," Felicity said.  "What you guys are doing here...it's good...and the world needs it...it needs you."   
  
J'onn had said similar words to her before, back when he'd recruited her out of university.  The world needed a lot of people, but it was true that it did need the DEO.  It might be classified and technically didn't exist, but the world needed it.  Alex was still firmly in agreement that the world at large wouldn't be able to function without breaking into all out chaos if they knew the truth, the truth about aliens and just how many existed on Earth...and of their danger.  

 

"We are going to wrap up for now, though, and get a few hours of sleep," Felicity told her.  "We just figured we'd let someone know...and we figured it was safer than Cisco doing it."

 

"Okay, I'll let them know at the control center," Alex told her before watching her head back into The Pipeline.  It was hard for Alex to fathom bringing herself to step foot down into The Pipeline and not flashing back to what had happened there.  For it not to be a constant reminder of Max and losing Max.  

 

For now, though, they had to just do what they could.

 

Right now, they needed to build up The Pipeline again.

 

And soon...they'd go after Trigon once again.

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


It was bright.

 

There was a blur to her vision.

 

The sound of a child's laughter, distorted at first, came into focus before her vision finally did.  Alex blinked almost immediately a couple of times, her eyes and mind trying to make sense of what she was seeing.   
  
Max.   
  
Her mind tried to grapple with that reality first.  He was so alive and so happy.  He was dressed casually in light colored clothing...and his smile was beyond dazzling.  There was a carefree air about him and it was almost contagious.  

 

It was a moment to get lost in.

 

The child.

 

At first she'd thought it was Charlie Benanti...but no, this was another child.  A little girl dressed in a white dress with blue ribbons.  For a moment, the girl reminded her of River--

 

"Alex, Sweetheart, come sit with us!" Max interrupted her thoughts.  He patted the space next to him and it seemed to open up the world around.  They were on a porch outside or on a--

 

"Why can't we play on the beach instead?" the little girl suggested as she bounced.  

 

And then it was a blink and they were suddenly on the beach, everything clean and so bright…  She watched as the little girl danced along where the water met the sand...her laughter and surprised giggling filling the air every time the waves crashed down on her bare feet.  Alex's eyes darted downwards and she realized that Max had her hand.  Looking up at him, she watched him watch the child.  Her mind had so many questions, but they were temporarily diverted as her brain fought to understand the familiar blur of shapes beyond Max...behind them.  She focused and realized that she knew exactly where they were.  They were in Midvale.  She could see her parents' home.  She realized that she knew where they'd been earlier, it had been a home that she remembered that she'd walked through during an open house when she was younger and bored.

 

"This isn't right," she whispered.

 

"It could be."

 

Her eyes turned back to him and she tried to push back the reality of what she knew she'd have to wake up to.  This was all a dream.  She knew that now.  Max was gone…  The child, she would never be...she was just some fantasy brought about by the idea of her and Max having a child together.  

 

"It should be," Max whispered.

 

"I regret--"   
  
"Don't regret, Alex," he pushed with a breath as his lips found hers.  His palms pressed against either side of her face as the kiss deepened.  As much as she knew it was a dream, it was hard to pull herself from the wonder of this moment.  From having to go back to the harsh reality that she knew she'd face.  "Love doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints," he whispered against her lips.

 

"Max--"   
  
"It takes and it takes and it takes," he continued in a whisper.  He wasn't said, he seemed happy and almost hopeful.  It was confusing and dizzying.  Alex couldn't do much more than stare at him, wish that it was all real, and just savor the moment (even if it was all a dream).  "And we keep loving anyway…  We laugh and we cry and we break and we make our mistakes…"

 

Alex opened her mouth to say something, but he was being tugged away by the little girl.  Unable to move, Alex extended her hand, trying to keep hold of him for as long as she could as tears started to roll down her cheeks.

 

"And if there's a reason I'm by her side when so many have tried," Max's voice seemed to carry to her.  "Then I'm willing to wait for it."

 

They disappeared and all Alex was left with was suddenly a stormy beach.  The clouds dark, heavy, and grey above her.  There was a loud crackling rumble above head.  It was deafening.  

 

"I'm willing to wait for it," Max's voice seemed to echo in between strikes.

 

But all Alex took in was the dark environment that she'd been left in all alone and the pure heartbreak of the dream that she knew she was currently trapped in.  She wanted out.  She wanted home--

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


The water had run cold.

 

Alex had no idea of how much time passed.

 

She didn't care.

 

After waking up from the dream...nightmare...whatever it was...it felt too real...and she'd gone from throwing up to sitting in the bottom of her shower with it running.  Her knees pulled to her chest, her arms wrapped around them, and her head resting against them as she cried.  Alex hated crying.  She hated feeling like she was weak or unable to control the things in her life.  Her future felt so uncertain and--and crying had just seemed right after everything.  

 

Her eyes burned and every time she closed them, she saw the perfect picture of her with Max and the little girl on the beach in Midvale.  It was a future that wasn't possible.  A future that would now never happen.  It only made her feel guiltier.  

 

It wasn't something she could wait for.

 

It was out of reach.

 

She was out of time.

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


The sun rose.

 

It seemed different.

 

The day felt different.

 

Maybe it was the five cups of coffee that she'd already taken in and it was only seven in the morning.  Alex hadn't been able to go back to bed after she'd finally forced herself out of the freezing water of her shower.  She'd dressed, made coffee, sat, looked out a window, drank the coffee, and had just thought…

 

She was the one thing in life she could control.

 

Alex knew that if she put her mind to things, she could do anything.  There was no way to go back and save Max, but she could keep his memory alive...and do the things that she thought would better the world as a whole.  She could use science.  She could use Lord Technologies.  She could use the DEO.  No matter what, she didn't have to forget who she was and what drove her in life.  She had resources, more than she probably had realized she'd had the day before.  

 

Yesterday everything had felt like an endless uphill climb.

 

Not today.

 

She had something to prove.

 

She had nothing to lose.

 

There was a knock at the door.  She knew exactly who it was.  Alex had texted her parents and Kara hours before, apparently waking them both.  Her brain hadn't exactly been thinking straight when it came to looking at the time or taking in the color of the sky as any indication of time either.  All she'd been concerned with was trying to push what she'd thought of.  Alex didn't want to waste any more time.

 

Moving to the door, she opened it and found both of her parents there and Kara behind them.  Alex moved and motioned for them to come in and found herself immediately under scrutiny.  "Alexandra," her mother practically gasped.  "You look like you haven't slept in days...and I saw you yesterday."  Her mother placed her hands on either side of Alex's head and just looked overly worried about her.  

 

Alex couldn't help any of that.

 

"Bad dreams," she whispered truthfully and sadly.  It wasn't all bad, of course, mostly just the reality that those dreams could never be fulfilled in that life.

 

"How much coffee have you had?" came Kara's question as she examined the coffee pot.

 

Alex realized that perhaps her texting, behavior, and her appearance hadn't helped with Kara's question either.  She sighed and put a hand to her forehead now that her mother had released her.  She closed the door and bit her bottom lip for a moment.  "I don't even remember," Alex admitted to her sister.  

 

"Yeah, you're cut off," Kara told her.

 

She didn't care.  Alex watched as Kara went to work making a fresh batch, which would obviously be for everyone that wasn't her.  "That's fine, I just--"

 

"Alex, Sweetie, maybe you should go back to bed and try to sleep before we talk?" her mother said ever so gently.

 

They were still walking on ice with her, she'd catch them doing it here and there.  It wasn't really disrespectful or anything, they were just trying to be polite...and they were her family...they loved and cared about her...and she had to remind herself of that to keep from snapping.  "I need to get to the DEO," Alex said in a breath and held up a hand before her father could join in on the protesting.  "But first, we're going to talk about what I've been thinking about."   
  
"You said it was about Lord Technologies," her mother prompted quietly and took a seat.  

 

Alex, however, paced.  She needed to move.  Maybe it was just all of the coffee in her system or maybe it was the anxiety of the great burden she felt she carried, whatever it was...it demanded she kept moving.  "I was thinking about the company and Max…"  His name was harder to say outloud than she'd expected.  Him being pulled under the door as it closed by Trigon flashed through her mind for a split second.  She couldn't dwell.  Alex couldn't stop.  She had to keep pushing herself forward, she knew that.  "I was thinking about all the good that he wanted to do, but never seemed to completely accomplish.  I was thinking about his background...and what the company could really be used for…  I know that the board is going to expect some kind of profit, but if the company could be used in order to create good...to make the world better...isn't that really what we should do?"   
  
"We are going to be the last ones to argue that, you know that," her father said.  "But they're going to need a lot of plans and paperwork and projections...and a general outline of how Lord Tech can provide the benefactors with a continual large profit while making the world better."

 

He was right.

 

Max's legacy was one that Alex felt like she had to protect.

 

"That's why I need your help…  I have some ideas and I think we could partner with other companies--"

 

"Palmer Tech," Kara spoke up.

 

"Right," Alex said as she paused for a moment and looked to her sister.  "Even STAR Labs."  Lord Tech could be used for so much and the possibilities were truly endless...but they really did need a plan.  "I just...I need the help...and I just--"  Her voice broke and she stilled as her hand came up to cover her face.  She refused to break down, not again.  Once was really enough for the day.  The quota was already met and Alex refused to allow herself to so much as shed a single tear.  "I just don't want to lose what Max left to me…"

 

She and Max may not have a future together, but this was as close as she'd get now.

 

That wasn't lost on her.

 

"Please?" she whispered as her hand dropped.  "Help me?"

 

"You know you always just have to ask," her father said gently before wrapping her up in his arms.  She kept it together and just savored the feeling of being held by him.  There was so much comfort there, but the weight still weighed heavily upon her.

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


"You look like crap, Danvers."

 

"You're not the first...or second...or even third person to point that out," Alex countered.

 

Adler just pushed the pink box into her hands.  "How much coffee have you had today?"

 

"Kara already cut me off...I lost count--"   
  
"I'll make you tea...strong tea…"

 

Alex looked into the box.  "It's full," she stated in clear confusion.

 

"You need'em more than anyone else here," Adler told her.  "Even if it's just to feed the Flarrow squints."   
  


"Flarrow...squints?" Alex questioned, now even more confused.  Either Adler wasn't making sense or Alex had just completely lost it.  

 

Adler shrugged.  "They're all Team Flash and Team Arrow…  I heard the annoying one with the obnoxious t-shirts refer to them as Team Flarrow…"   
  
"Oh-kay," Alex said slowly, figuring that Adler meant Cisco.  It sounded like a word that he'd make up, but then...all of them seemed to be more than capable of making up words.  "And squints?"

 

"God, Danvers...watch some TV!" Adler grumbled.  "That's what they call the scientists on 'Bones'...because you know...they squint at things…"

 

"Oh...oh-kay," Alex mumbled, still sort of confused as she watched Adler's retreating figure.  She looked at the full untouched box of donuts again and then pushed the lid shut.  No one needed to know about this.  She would normally head to check in with J'onn or to report to the control room, but she didn't want to face any of them...especially not with that box in her hands.  

 

She moved to The Pipeline entrance.  Alex stood there for a few minutes, collecting herself, preparing herself to descend down…  Memories...nightmares...it had all been haunting her that day...she knew she could face it...and if she couldn't, she was fairly sure that she'd cried herself out already so there was no fear of breaking down in front of Cisco and the others.  Sucking in a deep breath, she moved down the Bridge slowly.  She tried to keep herself focused on what she needed to do while she was down there, which mainly consisted of making sure things were getting done and getting an update so she could report that information to J'onn because he'd want to know.

 

Her hands were shaking, but she forced herself to still them before approaching those working.  Everyone seemed to be busy, but the moment Cisco spotted her she knew that it was all over.  Alex knew that she had to be on the ball and reminded herself that this was still very much her job.  They'd given her an out (a temporary one) and she'd refused to take it.  Right now, The Pipeline needed to be rebuilt and they needed to work towards tracking down and recapturing all of the aliens that had been freed during Myriad.  

 

"What did you bring us?" Cisco asked almost too excited.  Alex noticed that he was wearing a Tetris shirt today.  She was going to go with video games as his theme for the week.   "Please say donuts--"

 

"Actually, I didn't bring them--"

 

"The only other person I've seen with a box full of donuts like this hates us," Cisco said very seriously.  

 

"Adler doesn't  _ hate _ you," Alex said, trying to stay light as she opened the box and offered it to him.  "She just hates babysitting…"

 

"Isn't that the same?"

 

"No."

 

"I mean, I'm sure we can get a little annoying," Cisco stated as he stuffed a donut into his mouth.  "But you know, genius comes at a price."

 

"Yeah, for you it's not having learned it's not polite to talk with your mouth full," Caitlin stated with a shake of her head as she moved towards the box.

 

Slowly, Alex seemed to infuse all of the Flarrow squints with sugar before she set the box down for them to raid later for refueling.  She needed to get down to the real business of her being there and why they were there.  "The Pipeline," she said.

 

"It's still going to take a lot longer to repair and upgrade than it took to put this thing in here," Cisco spoke up.

 

"I'm still working the kinks out of the cryo systems," Caitlin added.  "I mean, I am hoping for a few more days until I have a fully operational one, but we're going to have to test it."

 

"That shouldn't be a problem," Alex said quickly without really thinking about it.  She knew that that was really J'onn's call to make, but she was fairly confident she'd said the right thing.  

 

"The coding and the more sophisticated parts are going to take some doing," Felicity said.  "Curtis and I have been working on it, but we're going to definitely have to order in some other parts...and we might need to go back to Star City and send the coding to Cisco from there.  It all depends on how long this takes, I told my team that we wouldn't be gone more than a week...but this project is looking more like three."

 

"Three?" Alex practically spat out.

 

That number hit her like a freight train.

 

"I mean, it  _ could _ go faster," Barry said, obviously trying to brighten that harsh news.  He was really like a male version of Kara, all sunny and always trying to make things better than they already were.  

 

"Right," Cisco said.  "But it's all a matter of things working out.  The actual repairs shouldn't take more than a week, it's just getting all of the super fail safes and the new cryo chambers and all of that.  It's a lot more complicated than the original design...for obvious necessary reasons."

 

Three weeks.

 

God, how was she going to break the news to J'onn?  He hated having things left undone for so long.  It was a necessary thing.  It wasn't like they could rush it, especially with how much they needed The Pipeline.  There was no moving forward without it.  There was no pursuing Trigon without it.  That hit her hard and fast and left her like the wind had been knocked out of her.  How was she going to stay sane for that long?  

 

"Okay," Alex finally managed to say.

 

"Are you okay?" Barry asked concerned.

 

"It can't be rushed," she whispered.

 

"That's not an answer."

 

"No," Alex said.  "But it doesn't make it any less true."

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


TBC…

  
  



	4. Two Paths

 

Alex was taken off guard when she found her parents in one of the labs at Lord Tech.  It had taken her a short conversation with them to remind her of the fact that she actually knew they were going to be there (before her father went back to work, her mother staying behind to fuss over her).  Everything was just becoming a lot for Alex to keep up with, maybe  _ too _ much.  On top of it all, Lord Technologies only reminded her of Max...which made it all the harder.

 

"Sweetheart, you look  _ exhausted _ ," her mother said quietly with concern.  

 

And she was.

 

"Did you sleep?"

 

"Yeah," she replied, a little unsure.  Alex rubbed her forehead.  "I've been still having the dreams--"

 

"Oh, Alex…  I wish there was something I could do…"

 

Alex placed her hand on her mother's arm.  "I appreciate  _ everything _ that you and Dad have  _ already _ been doing for me."  She actually was certain that she'd be having a lot more difficulty attempting to balance family, Lord Tech, DEO, and anything else without them.

 

"Well, I think we're doing well here," Eliza stated.

 

That was obvious from the fact that her father was so engaged with the other scientists in the lab.  They'd devised a plan to do their best to keep Alex as CEO (even though she didn't know if that was feasible) and it looked like they were on track for it.  It was following Max's original vision for the company.  Lord Technologies hadn't first been brought about to make money, but to better the world at large.  They'd started with the three of them pitching areas they could look into that would fulfill a major need in the world and staff (keeping a list of who contributed so that they could be properly credited later).  

 

Of course, having a whole list of proposed projects was great, but what they were really looking for were products that would be marketable to the common person  _ and _ make a difference in lives.  It wasn't about making thousands of dollars off of a mobility device so someone's lifestyle could be more independent or having to spend several hundreds of dollars on a necessary life saving medication.  It was all about having a balance.

 

"Maybe I could--"

 

"Call J'onn and tell him you're too exhausted to work today?" her mother said quickly and brightly.  

 

Alex eyed her mother.  She knew she meant well, but she freaked her out for a moment sounding far too much like Kara.  "I really read company e-mails and  _ then  _ go into the DEO," she said slowly.

 

"Alex,  _ please _ , just take the day off--"

 

"I've already taken off too much time as it is," Alex replied exhausted and yet gently.  "The world stopped for a while, I can't just stop…  I have to be part of the narrative."

 

"At least promise me you won't go out into the field so tired."

 

A small smile spread across her face.  "I promise."  It was perhaps the easiest promise.  J'onn wouldn't be the only one at the DEO who would notice her fatigue.  There was no way she'd be allowed in the field or the lab, but she could run things from the control room.  It wasn't the best situation, but it was a compromise (and the best one given all of the circumstances).  

 

"I'm e-mail you an update on this project once I check in with your father," Eliza said as she patted Alex's arm.  "Try not to drink too much coffee."

 

"I need to learn to power nap," Alex just replied and then gave her mother a nod.  As hard as it sometimes was to have all of her family in National City  _ and _ fussing over, she knew that she was blessed to have them all.  Together.  Even with the fussing.  A year ago, it wouldn't have been possible.  There were so many sad and tragic things in the world and in her life, but her family was something to really be grateful for.

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


"I hear you're benched."

 

Alex didn't say anything, just sighed and took the offered travel mug.  She took a sip and nearly immediately nearly spit it back out, somehow Alex was able to swallow the offending liquid down hard.  "Are you poisoning me now?" 

 

Benanti shrugged.  "It's tea."

 

"What  _ kind _ of tea?"

 

"Sleepytime extra strength."

 

"But I'm supposed--"

 

Benanti leaned against the console so she was facing Alex.  "Let's take some truth tea," Lara said.  "You've been pretty much benched from field and lab work...for the most part...since you were told you inherited Lord Tech."  Her hands flailed around for a moment.  "You know that I'm always the positive--"

 

"Morale officer?" Vasquez put out there.

 

Alex and Benanti both looked over at the other agent who had remained silent up until that point.  Alex looked back to Benanti.  "Sadly, the boss says it's not a _ real  _ position in the DEO."

 

"Self proclaimed?"

 

Alex smiled at that.  "Okay, you're definitely the morale officer," she decided firmly.  Maybe that wasn't technically in her power, but whether it was a real position or not, Benanti was the DEO's morale officer.  

 

"Anyways, what I'm getting to is that you really need to do _ two _ things for life to return to normal," Benanti continued.  "Number one: _ sleep _ ."

 

Obvious.

 

"Number two: you're going to have to choose between the company and the DEO."  She paused for a moment.  "You're a badass DEO field agent, but you're also a kickass scientist.  I'm not saying which one you have to or  _ should _ choose...all I'm saying is that  _ you _ really need to figure it out."  Benanti shrugged.  "Until you do and take action, you're going to be absolutely miserable...exhausted...and look like crap."

 

"She's really onto something," Vasquez agreed with a nod. 

 

Lara reached out, took the ear piece from Alex's ear and pushed the tea closer to Alex's mouth.  "Drink the tea and let Harewood drive you home--"

 

"I--" Alex started to argue, she was still a little shocked by the sudden ambush by her fellow agents.

 

"There's no shame in knowing your limits," Benanti told her.  "Or in your case,  _ not _ knowing your limits and being as stubborn as all hell."

 

Alex still just stared at Benanti.  Was this  _ really _ happening?  Normally Adler was the one to step up and pull the rank of who had been at the DEO longer, even if Alex was technically next in the change of command (unless J'onn had changed it), but right now Adler was out in the field with J'onn.

 

"Danvers!  _  Let's go _ !" Harewood called.

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


Cold.

 

No, it was  _ chilly _ .

 

There was wind blowing.

 

There was a salty smell to the air.  It was familiar.  The feel of her surroundings and the taste of the air was all that Alex could take in in that moment.  She couldn't see or hear or reach out or move--

 

There was a thunderous crash suddenly.

 

Panic set in.

 

She listened, studied the sound that had caught her off guard at first.  She realized that it was in fact...not frightening, but a familiar comforting sound she'd grown up with.

 

The ocean.

 

Midvale.

 

She could suddenly see--

 

"Mom!  Hurry up!" came a bright and giggling voice.

 

Her eyes held the water for a long time before she could adjust her gaze to take in the child.  She was dancing in the wet sand as the water kept rolling up to crash over her barefeet.  The name was unimportant, all she knew was this was the child who always appeared in her dreams now...and she was never alone--

 

Max.

 

Lips pressed against her neck as if they'd been summoned by her very thought of him.  She closed her eyes for a moment, savouring the feeling of his lips on the delicate skin of her neck.  "If you turn into a vampire and--"

 

He laughed and wrapped his arms around her, hugging her from behind, before pressing a kiss to her bare shoulder.  "You make it sound like some kind of dream--"

 

"It is," she whispered sadly.

 

"Alexandra,  _ we're real _ ," he whispered against her shoulder before kissing it again.  "Be a part of the narrative…"

 

Midvale.

 

As much as she knew it was all a dream--no, a nightmare...every time she was there...it was harder and harder to accept that it was just that.  It was the place that had been her home for so long...and it was a place that still gave her peace.  The dream it gave her was a fantasy future that she couldn't have...and each time, it made her cling to Max more.

 

"It's a dream--"

 

"Feel the wind, Alex…  Feel my touch--"

 

And it was all  _ so easy _ to get lost in it.

 

The familiarity.

 

The ocean.

 

The beach.

 

The people.

 

Home.

 

"Tell me what you want to do," Max prompted as they walked along the beach, the little girl spinning and dancing alongside them in the wet sand.  

 

"I--"

 

"Swim? We haven't taken the surf boards out in--"

 

"Aunt Kara!" the little girl proclaimed.  "Let's have dinner with her!"

 

Alex stopped suddenly, bringing herself to tears as she kept telling herself that all of this wasn't real.  She would wake up and this wouldn't be her life.  "I want to  _ stop _ having this dream," she blurted out.

 

"Alex--" Max said slowly, stopping with her.

 

"It's _ too _ hard."

 

The little girl stopped, tilted her head for a moment, and just stared at her.  It was a little eerie.  "But love is sometimes hard," she said in confusion.  "You love us, right?"

 

"I  _ wish  _ this was real," she said looking from the little girl to Max.  "I wish _ you  _ were  _ real _ .  That you were alive and here with me, but you're not--"

 

"I am," he countered.

 

"No!"

 

"Let me prove it to you," he said as he lifted her hand to his lips to press a kiss--

 

It was always how she was reeled into the Midvale wonderland.  It was too good.  Too perfect.  Too vivid.  Too everything…  "No!" she shouted, anger filling her.  Alex pulled her hand from his grasp and stepped back.  "Please!  I can't do this anymore!"

 

" _ Alex _ ," she heard Max whisper.  " _ Wait for it _ ."

 

And they were gone.

 

She was alone.

 

Fog surrounded her and held her.

 

Cold, wet, and grey.

 

It was better than the happy wonderland.

 

" _ Wake up _ ," she told herself in a broken whisper.  Her eyes squeezed shut and she wrapped her arms around herself, trying to convince her head that she'd had enough of the nightmare.  That was all Alex wanted in that moment.

 

Nothing.

 

Silence.

 

It was nothing except the cold, humid cling of the grey fog for a long time…

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


The sun wasn't even up yet, but Alex had needed to get out of her apartment and do something.  So, she'd decided to go running.  There was no way that she'd be able to sleep, not with the dreams that wouldn't leave her alone.  It was like Max and that 'what if' future was haunting her.  Alex was so tired, but that didn't stop her as she ran, headphones in her ears, and music blaring as her feet kept her going.  

 

There were so many things in her life that wasn't going well.  There was too much to do, too much that required her attention, too much that she wanted to be apart of.  Benanti had been right, though, and Alex hated that.  Not that Benanti was right, but what she was right  _ about _ .  Alex was going to have to choose...and she was going to have to choose soon.  She either had to give up her life at the DEO or she had to give up the company that Max had left her--

 

Acting on instinct, she spun around with her arm outstretched, realizing that someone was right there in her space.  She hadn't just looked over her shoulder or even taken in the face until she was staring at it, pinned to a tree, with his hand against her throat.  She tapped at his hand, just like she'd done when they'd sparred before.  In that moment, she'd also realized that he'd been saying her name and she hadn't heard it even though her headphones had been tugged from her ears.  

 

"Alex?" he said, obviously repeating himself.  

 

"Yeah, yeah…  I'm here," she replied and took a moment to sort of shake herself all over.  Tucking the headphones into the waistband pouch she had her phone in, she rubbed her face with the other hand.  "I'm just--"

 

"Not focused?"

 

She glared at him for a moment, but he was right.  Alex just hadn't wanted to hear it.  "I'm tired."

 

"I know," he said gently and then motioned to a nearby bench.  "I'm just glad that I didn't bring coffee with me.  It would have gone flying over both of us."  He gave her a small smile.

 

Alex sighed and allowed one to slowly form on her lips.  "I haven't slept much," she stated.  That was a very public and common thing.  She just hated that it was still true.  "I know I haven't been at my best--"

 

"Alex, you know that we all understand," he said as he sat down first.

 

She settled down beside him.  "Max's gone," Alex said.  She knew that.  That was something that she'd come to terms with.  They'd buried him.  The thing was, her head wouldn't let it go.  "The world keeps spinning...and rebuilding...but I…"  She just didn't know what to say.  She didn't know how to exactly explain everything.  J'onn had to have known that she was having a hard time.  She'd told him about the dreams, but that was before...now...well, she was being continually haunted by him.  

 

"I know that Benanti--"

 

"She's right."

 

"Do me a favor," he said seriously.  "Don't tell her that."

 

Alex smiled brighter at that.  "Okay."

 

"Are you going to tell me about the dreams?"

 

"I thought they'd go away--"

 

"Hamilton--"

 

"Could what?  Give me pills?  I've taken them...they only make it more real," Alex said with a heavy sigh.  "It just makes it harder to wake up...and it makes it worse."  The sleeping pills were great for helping her sleep, but she had such a hard time waking up from it and then the reality just hit her so much harder.  

 

He looked even more concerned than normal.  "Maybe--"

 

"Don't tell me to take time off."

 

"Maybe you shouldn't work at the DEO--"

 

Alex blinked.  "J'onn--"

 

"I'm sure that the DEO and Lord Technologies might both remind you of Max, but Alex...he died in The Pipeline.  I've seen you down there," J'onn whispered.  "I see how hard all of that is for you."

 

"I haven't been in there that much, they're still working on it--"

 

J'onn gave a nod.  "It's going to take a while too," he admitted.  "But you have done everything in your life in order to take care of and protect your sister…  Even the DEO. _  I  _ forced you into that."

 

"You didn't force me," she corrected him.  Alex stared at him.  "You saved me.  You gave me a purpose and a family that I didn't know I needed--"

 

"But the DEO still is you protecting Kara--"

 

"J'onn--"

 

"I'm not making the decision for you, Alex," he said gently.  "That has to be  _ your  _ decision.  I'm just saying...if you wanted to take over Lord Technologies...it might be a good new beginning for you.  Something that wouldn't remind you so much of death."

 

She realized as she looked down that she'd been turning the ring on her finger.  It hadn't left her since J'onn had given it back to her.  "I like working for the DEO.  I like working with you...and Kara--"

 

"I recruited you into the DEO to protect you, because of my promise to Jeremiah, I wanted to make sure that you were strong enough to protect yourself.  Kara has super strength...and I knew that a day could come that someone would discover that you were sisters with a Kryptonian and I wanted you to be able to protect yourself if I couldn't be there--"

 

"You did that, but it's more than that, J'onn--"

 

"I'm not leaving your life, Alex," he told her with a smile.  "I want you to know that.  Your father might be alive and around, but that will never mean that I will stop looking out for you and Kara."  

 

He was quiet and Alex just took in what he was saying.  As much as she didn't want to choose, she knew that she was going to have to.  She just couldn't imagine her life now without the DEO in it.  Wrapping her mind around that idea was nearly impossible.  Alex just didn't think that she could run a company and be...normal...and know everything she knew about the world (that aliens existed and could be ending the world at any point).  

 

"I don't know if I could do that…"

 

There was this sweetness about him.  It was so rare, something that he mostly saved for his times with her and Kara.  Ever since being outed as J'onn J'onzz, he'd been a little more gentle with all of the DEO agents (likely because they hadn't rejected him and most of them just thought it was cool).  "When you were little...before Kara came to Earth...you and your parents lived a normal life."

 

"My parents knew Clark before Kara came here, so I'm fairly sure that  _ normal  _ isn't a Danvers trait."

 

He smirked in response.  "Maybe not."

 

"How do I live in this world...outside of the DEO...and know everything I know?"

 

"You wouldn't  _ have _ to remember it all…" he said gently.  There was a sobering of the happiness between them suddenly.  It was serious and she knew that the offer was true.  

 

"I can't--"

 

"I know."

 

He had to offer, she knew that.  She would offer him the same, if their roles were reversed.  It wasn't just the knowing, the 'what ifs', but it was also the pain that it all brought with it.  Alex didn't want to have holes in her head...in her memories...ever since Kara had joined the DEO...that had really been the best time of her life.  In that last year, it had been perhaps that so many people in her life were truly honest with themselves and each other.  She wouldn't give or trade that away...not for normal.

 

"You already know what your life is at the DEO full time," J'onn told her gently.  "Why don't you allow yourself the opportunity to give it a go at Lord Technologies full time?"

 

"J'onn--"

 

"I'm not firing you," he told her gently.  "But you never take vacation, Alex--"

 

"I--"

 

"I'll have Adler and Benanti...I have Vasquez...and Harewood and Torres and--"

 

"It would just be on a trial basis?"

 

He nodded.  "Your next big board meeting is coming up in a little over two weeks.  Take that time, Alex," J'onn said.  "See what it's like being a civilian."

 

She crinkled her nose at that word.  "But if you need me, like  _ really need me _ ."

 

He grinned.  "I'll know where to find you."

 

Alex just sat there for a moment, taking in what she'd just agreed to.  It was a break of sorts and she needed that, but she wasn't sure that she really wanted it.  Maybe she'd be able to sleep,  but she doubted that it would keep the dreams away.  If anything, she'd have more time on her hands...where she'd be left idle.  "Can I ask you a question?"

 

"Of course."

 

"If the dreams don't stop...is there a way for _ you  _ to stop them?"

 

"I honestly don't know...all I could do is to try."  He paused for a moment.  "I know that Max is in them, but are they really that hard?"

 

"It's not really just because Max is there...it's that it's too perfect, feels too real, and I hate waking up," Alex confessed.  "I'll know it's a dream, but somewhere during it all...I pretty much decide I'm okay with that world."

 

He looked concerned, which was his normal face with her (especially lately).  "You're sure that Hamilton--"

 

"She seemed to think that after everything I've been through…"  Her voice had trailed off and she'd moved her gaze to watch the people that were now actively filling up their surroundings (it had to be a time in which most people were heading to work now, Alex realized).  "I guess two weeks...we'll just have to wait for it."

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


TBC…

  
  



	5. Normal Life

"Well, you look less like a zombie.  So, that's a check in the 'win' box, right?"

 

"Thanks," Alex said with a shake of her head.  She'd had to explain to her parents that sometimes she and Kara just needed to have their own time together without them, but eventually they'd been okay with it.  There had been a lot of eyeballing and questioning if they'd done anything wrong.  It was more that Alex was feeling a disconnect.  She'd been working at Lord Technologies full time for the last week and that had meant seeing her sister a lot less.  

 

"You don't seem as thrilled."

 

Alex shrugged as she looked down at the cup of coffee in front of her.  "I miss the DEO...and I miss seeing you and J'onn and everyone else everyday."

 

"And the action?"

 

A smile crept up.  "And the action."

 

There was a silence that stretched out between them before Kara spoke up again.  "It's just temporary, right?  Unless you really want to stay at Lord Tech full time?  I mean, you haven't made your decision yet."

 

"Right," Alex said softly and looked up at Kara.  "I just...it's weird…  I can't remember life feeling so quiet...and boring…"

 

"Boring?" Kara half scoffed a laugh at that.  

 

Alex brightened at that.  "I'm serious."

 

"We were kids once."

 

"And our lives then were never boring, Kara," Alex reminded as she leaned forward, her arms resting on the table.  "I mean...I know I wasn't the best sister--"

 

"You have always been the best sister," Kara told her before she could finish her sentence.  "Stop trying to say horrible stuff that isn't true."

 

"But...I mean, we didn't have a boring life then...even if it  _ was  _ Midvale," Alex told her.  There had been adventures that her parents didn't know about...and then the ones they'd known about.  Kara, though, she'd been the singular thing that had changed her life...and maybe there had been rough patches (but others had come along and steered her in the right direction).  She sighed.  "Please tell me that we can have a binge night soon," Alex practically pleaded with a tilt of her head.  "I see Mom and Dad all the time...and that's great, but I miss my sister…"

 

"I miss you too."

 

"Please?"

 

"We'll work it out.  Do you have a show in mind?"

 

"The new season of 'Longmire' is on Netflix?" she offered with a smile.  

 

Kara returned her sister's smile.  "That show makes me want to live in Wyoming…"

 

"Until you see what living in Wyoming entails...but you can fly...so no long drives through high winds and snow," Alex said with a smile and a shrug.

 

"We should take a vacation there."

 

"You know they film it in New Mexico."

 

"Or there."

 

They both smiled.  Alex sighed.  "Like either of us will ever get a vacation…"

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


"I know that the board expects to just hear from one person," Alex said.  "Me."  She paused to take a bite of her sandwich.  "But I think we should really let the scientists each talk about what they've contributed."

 

"Not everyone is good at public speaking," her father pointed out.  It was a good and valid point, but in science you had to able to defend your project.  It wasn't just the company's profits that needed growth, but the entire company (that included every single employee).  

 

"There's the whole fact that we're going to have to break down the science," Eliza said.  "It's not like we'll be explaining this all to colleagues…  I was thinking through pictures.  A slideshow or a powerpoint presentation...whatever works best with what we have to present.  It would be, of course, better to actually have prototypes, but financially that's not savvy."

 

"As much as the board is going to be concerned about numbers, the money aspect of it all," Alex said.  They all knew that was the sad reality of any board at any company in any field, but Alex wanted more.  She wanted, no...she  _ needed _ to make a difference.  That was what Max would have wanted.  "We need to remind them that they're human too.  That's why the projects I selected might be a bit...all over the place.  There has to be at least _ one  _ project proposal that appeals to each of the board members.  We can't fail at this."  

 

It was too important.

 

Alex just couldn't handle failing in this.

 

"I think that this is really giving a lot of the employees a boost in confidence and morale," her father spoke up after a moment.  "We even got an idea from one of the janitors...made a note of it, but it's not just the scientists in the lab that are making contributions to this company...and I think that's important."

 

He was right.

 

"Which idea was from a janitor?" Eliza asked curiously.

 

"It's more than one," Jeremiah responded.  "Wheelchair modifications that are affordable, universal, and would really make a difference.  His wife has mobility problems and there are many times she needs to be in a wheelchair, like for shopping.  Their daughter takes care of her during the day...but she has a young child.  So, something that can be attached to the back of the chair for the child to sit on or stand on.  Actually, it might be something really handy and also allow us to build in some extra storage without it being too weighty and still giving the ability to fold.  Of course that leads to needed to extend the handles and while we're at it, we might as well make it the type that can be pushed with one hand.  There's a whole slew of smaller other modifications that we have as well.  Those were ones that are not only important to a life of an employee of ours, but think about how many people must be out there with the same need."

 

A need in the community.

 

What better than that?  All Alex could think about was how much Max would have liked that.  How he would have had the press all over it and how big of a difference it would make, but he'd be smart about it too because he'd really make sure people could afford it.  That was what they were trying to do and that was really the hardest part...to make a quality product that the people needed  _ and  _ make it affordable at the same time.  

 

"Tomorrow we're going to really work on crunching the numbers for each project," Jeremiah said.  "The need, the cost, and how we can still make a profit from it."  She didn't miss how disgusted her father looked when he mentioned the whole part where they had to make a profit.  It was the ugly truth of it all, a necessary evil, but it had to be done...and in order for the company to continue forward they did need to make some kind of profit.  

 

Taking a moment to eat more of her sandwich, Alex could only nod until she could finally swallow.  "Okay, I'll make sure that I have the bones of the presentation figured out so that we can just plug in the important information."

 

"And I'll make sure that we have the detailed sketches worked out," Eliza added.

 

Alex sat there for a moment, thinking about everything.  "You know something that Max really had an interest in when I first met him?  His Super Rail Train," Alex told them.  "He said that he'd had this train with blue stripes when he was a boy and how that was his favorite toy.  So, he made the Super Rail and had them design it with blue stripes.  We already have one, but I think it is important to consider how we might expand the use of the Super Rail throughout National City and even on a state level."

 

"Public transit really isn't great out here, maybe we could consider the Super Rail in more of an everyday public need.  National City isn't built for subways, but perhaps something like an automatic train system in the place of buses…"

 

"Or a monorail," her mother added.

 

All Alex could think about at that moment was how she'd ridden the monorail at Disneyland when she was a girl.  They were right, though, it would have real everyday applications in the city for public transit.  It would be a lot more useful than some kind of super train that went long distances quickly.  This was truly something they needed.  "Definitely something to look into."

 

"Let's just hope that the board sees the importance in these projects."

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


It was getting closer and closer to the board meeting and Alex had had a board member stop by her office earlier.  She'd kept her cool, smiled, and answered questions even though he'd been a complete jackass.  The guy obviously knew nothing about science or pretty much anything else except for money.  All he cared about was stock price and the company continuing to make loads of money.  It was the first moment since she'd been working at Lord Technologies full time that she'd really had a hard time controlling herself because she'd wanted to knock him on his ass so badly.  

 

So, she'd resorted to running.  The gym had been an option, but there were too many people and she was too concerned that she'd feel like punching someone after the day she'd had.  She didn't want to spend her time fighting over machines or having to put up with inconsiderate people.  So...running.  Music was in her ears and she'd just picked a direction.  

 

It was so odd to her to be out and exercising while the sun was still up, while the day was still bustling.  Sure, this was the normal time for most people to be off of work, but Alex just wasn't used to it.  Today, she almost hoped that she'd run into J'onn...well, maybe not like the last time...but she missed him...and Kara...and everyone at the DEO.  She hadn't been away that long, but it already felt like a lifetime. 

 

The running helped.

 

Not completely.

 

Some, though.

 

Some.

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


Working like a normal person and pretending to have a normal life meant doing normal things, like grocery shopping.  This wasn't the kind of grocery shopping that Alex was used to...it actually required going into the produce section and other sections that were fairly foreign to her.  Alex knew that it was better for her to prepare her own meals at home and to cook, but it wasn't something that she had time for before.

 

Working at the DEO was busy and adventurous, but she'd never spent so much time not working and at her apartment until now.  It was surreal.  Alex half wondered at least once every day if she somehow had slipped into another dimension.  Sure, she'd sort of chosen this option, but at the same time...she hadn't completely.  

 

Pushing the cart down the aisle, she sighed as she tried to think if there was anything from the aisle that she really needed for the week.  Of course, this was mainly an aisle full of snacks.  There was _ always _ a need for snacks.  She grabbed a bag of sweet and salty kettle popcorn.  She scanned the section for a moment before grabbing an additional two bags.  Alex wanted to make sure she had enough on hand just in case Kara stopped by.  

 

That was enough thing that bummed her out, she didn't get to see her sister as much as she once did.  She didn't even need movie nights, Alex just missed  _ seeing _ her sister.  Right now she was seeing her parents way more than she saw Kara.  Actually, she saw her parents way more than she saw or heard from her sister (in any way or form).  

 

She got to the freezer section and was deciding on what ice cream to buy when someone pulled their cart up beside her.  She looked over and smiled politely before moving to grab one of her choices.  There needed to be multiple pints of ice cream in preparation for when Kara actually could come over.  

 

"Is that any good?"

 

Alex looked over at the man who now felt like he was stalking her.  "Uh, it's ice cream...so yes."  

 

"Sometimes it's hit or miss when it comes to bits in the ice cream," the man continued.  

 

Was this what is was like to be normal?  To be randomly hit on by someone in the ice cream section of the grocery store?  This certainly wasn't how her parents met.  Alex opened her mouth, trying to think about how to respond, let him down, and make a break for it.  Nervously, she twirled her ring around with her other finger.  Pausing for a moment, a smile spread across her face and she made sure that her ring was in its proper place before she pulled the door open with her left hand, so her ring would practically be in the guy's face before she pulled out another pint of ice cream (Kara's favorite kind).  She held it up.  "My husband's favorite.  Would definitely recommend."  

 

The guy's face was priceless.  He also seemed to be a bit speechless.  "Oh," he muttered for a moment.  

 

"Happy ice cream selecting," she blurted out before making her exit.  No more shopping, she decided in that instant.

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


Putting away the groceries properly was like playing a game of tetris.  She wasn't even fully sure if the crisper bins were actually set correctly, since apparently they had settings.  Alex figured that she'd find out by trial.  She was exhausted now, though, and didn't know how people could do this.  "Should have picked up tacos," she mumbled as she glanced down at the text she'd just gotten from Kara.

 

She couldn't make it.

 

Her heart dropped and Alex fought off how suddenly sad and lonely it made her feel.  She knew that Kara had a life outside of her...outside of their family...and she also knew that she had responsibility to CatCo and as Supergirl.  That didn't make it easier.  

 

Night alone.

 

Again.

 

For a moment, she thought about ordering in pizza.  Instead, she remembered that she'd purchased a few of those frozen meals in a bag.  It was still home cooking, she told herself as she dumped the frozen contents of the bag into the pan.  Alex was fairly sure that this was fool proof cooking as long as she didn't let it burn.  That didn't seem so hard.  So, she stood there and stirred it far too constantly until it was done.

 

Dishing it up, she decided that that just wasn't going to be enough for her meal.  She grabbed a wine glass and an already chilled bottle of wine from the fridge before making her way over to the couch.  Turning on Netflix, Alex then turned her attention to the bottle of wine.  Once her wine was poured, she started to search through what was on Netflix.  She couldn't watch 'Longmire' yet because Kara wasn't there, so she looked for something that she'd already seen.  There was a split second that she'd pondered watching 'Anastasia' before she settled on 'Torchwood'.  

 

Alex settled in with her plate of food, wine, and half hoped that Kara would text her and be over for ice cream in an hour.  

 

She could hope anyways.

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


The sound of the waves crashing on the shore was soothing.  

 

"You know, we could stay here forever…"  

 

It was so tempting.

 

"But who would say the world?" she questioned as she looked over at Max.  They were always in Midvale now, by the beach.  "You know it still needs saving."

 

"Others can save it," Max told her.  "It doesn't have to be you doing it."

 

"Why not?"

 

" _ Us _ , Alex," Max said matter of factly.  "You and me."  He paused for a moment.  "And what about our daughter?  We're a family, Alex.  As much as I'm sure you have a whole speech about how you should be out there saving the world for our daughter, I'd rather never have to explain to her that her mother isn't coming home because she died protecting the world from alien invasion…"

 

Alex just stared at him for a long moment.  "I miss you, Max," she whispered.

 

"You don't have to."

 

"I miss everyone," Alex added as tears streamed down her face.  She knew that this was a dream.  As hard as it was to deal with reality after this dream, this time she wanted to embrace it.  Maybe it was the disconnect from Kara and J'onn and the DEO...maybe it was the loneliness...whatever it was, Alex found herself okay knowing it was a dream and just wanting to stay there with Max.  "I don't think I want to run Lord Tech, Max.  I don't think I'm good at it.  I don't care about the money and the board only cares about it."

 

"You just need to know how to handle them."

 

"I thought about punching one of them in the face."

 

Max smirked at that.  "I don't blame you."

 

The little girl that was supposed to be their daughter giggled and went playing into the ocean's water before them.  She watched the little girl for a few minutes before she asked something that she'd wanted the answer to every night that she'd been in that dream.  "What's our daughter's name?"

 

"You know it."

 

"Humor me."

 

He smiled at that.  "You know, that was almost as good as your standard answer a question with a question.  Bravo."

 

"So?"

 

"I wanted to name our child Alexia or something along those lines, so we could call her Lexie, but you were apposed to having your daughter named after you," Max said.  "I don't know why."  Before she could argue about how he wasn't answering the question, he opened his mouth again.  "Etta."

 

"Etta?"

 

"Yes, Mommy?" the little girl said as she stopped what she was doing to look back over at them.

 

Alex blinked for a moment, just staring at the child.  "No, nothing, Sweetheart.  Go on playing."

 

"Okay!"  A moment later, Etta was there jumping in the water, splashing, and occasionally squeaking a scream as the wave came crashing against her little legs.

 

"You're worried," Max pointed out.

 

"Always."

 

" It is not Atlas who carries the world on his shoulders, but woman," Max clearly quoted.  "Henryk Sienkiewicz."

 

"I can't help it," Alex told him with a shrug.  

 

"I wouldn't have it any other way," Max admitted.  "It's part of the reason that I love you."

 

Deep down, that killed Alex.  To hear him say that.  She sucked in breath, looked upward, and tried to keep her tears in.  It wasn't easy, all she wanted to do was cry in that moment.  She looked over at him, teary eyed, and let out the breath.  "I love you, Max.  I just wish you were here with me."

 

"I'm always with you, Alex."

 

"That's not what I mean…"

 

"Are you sure?"

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


She hadn't slept enough.  

 

Alex just tapped her fingers against her desk as she scrolled through social media on her computer.  It was the weekend and she didn't have work at Lord Tech.  This was what a weekend was.  All it felt like to her was boring.  What was she supposed to do with two whole days off?  

 

Refreshing social media pages for likely the tenth time in the last five minutes, Alex was tempted to go back to bed simply because there was nothing.  She wasn't motivated to do anything.  Kara hadn't texted her back and she was seriously starting to think that she'd just watch the rest of 'Torchwood' over the weekend, just an insane amount of binge watching.  

 

Staring at the screen for a moment, she brought up a browser window, this time dead set on doing something productive…something that she missed.  Alex started to type into the search box, looking for signs of Trigon on the world.  An alien like that, who could change in size but not the amount of destruction that he fed on...that was something that just couldn't disappear.  Alex knew that he was out there, still on Earth.  

 

"Come on," she whispered as the browser searched.  It took only a couple of seconds before it returned with some results.  Alex started to add filters to the search, looking through the news stories, but also utilizing the videos that had been uploaded to social media sites.  It was really amazing what people uploaded to social media.  

 

And there it was.

 

Breadcrumbs.

 

Trigon was out there.

 

She didn't even need the DEO computers to find him.  

 

Suddenly, she knew exactly what she was doing for her weekend.  Alex moved over to where her printer was and started to print out all of the news articles that were appropriate and realized that she was going to really need a world map to do this properly.  Just because she wasn't working with the DEO currently didn't mean that she couldn't hunt aliens.  

 

The printer hummed to life and so did Alex's weekend.

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


TBC…

  
  



	6. Ups and Downs

Scrawling in her notebook, Alex flipped the page and then looked back up at the computer screen.  Locating Trigon hadn't been easy.  He was obviously biding his time and likely plotting something huge, but Alex swore she'd found something.  A location.  Or at least she thought it was the location of where he was, which was halfway around the world...and Alex had no idea  _ what _ he was doing.  She didn't have every resource that she had had at the DEO, but she definitely had resources.

 

"Doctor Danvers."

 

Her head shot up and she smiled when she saw that it wasn't one of the people who worked there at Lord Technologies.  Instead it was a visitor that she didn't expect, a familiar face that she hadn't seen so recently.  Getting up, she closed her notebook and moved to greet her visitor.

 

"Benanti," she greeted with a hug, since the other agent was more of a hugger than anything else.  To be honest, Alex couldn't be happier to see her friend in that moment and she could really use a hug too.  "You didn't happen to bring donuts, did you?" she half teased before pulling back to beam at Lara.  

 

"Alice said that you'd have to come to her for them, something about how she wasn't going to step into this dominion of Trekkie-techie-masters-in-white-coats-professors."

 

"Not that I'm not happy to see you here, but you have to have a  _ reason _ to stop by," Alex prompted.  

 

Benanti gave a quick nod, still beaming.  She actually looked like she might break apart at the seams with sunshine, the only other person Alex knew with that super power was her sister.  "So, this is actually sort of like a covert mission."

 

"Covert?"

 

"Well, I know the DEO is supposed to be covert," Benanti said with a wave of her hand.  "But the boss doesn't know I'm here."

 

"He didn't send you?"

 

"Nope," Benanti said and made herself comfortable in the couch in Alex's office.  "This thing is comfy!"

 

Alex was confused and it took her a moment to really take that in.  She moved to Benanti and sat down across from her.  "Then who sent you?"

 

"Your family…"

 

Now Alex was even more confused.  Her mouth opened to say something, but she couldn't figure out exactly what to say to that.  She motioned towards outside of her office, towards the innards of the building (since her parents were both in one of the science labs together).  "My mom and--"

 

"Well, your  _ other _ family…"

 

Alex still didn't know how to react to that--

 

" _ Geez _ , Alex!" Benanti said throwing her hands up in the air.  "You've been playing civilian for  _ too long _ already!"  She scooted forward on the couch, her elbows on her knees, and leaned forward as if she were trying to tell Alex a secret.  "You know...me, Alice, and Susan...I mean, David was concerned too...but it was more of a grunt of 'duh, obviously you couldn't stop playing agent'."  

 

"What.  Are.  You.  Talking.  About?"

 

"You don't think that the rest of us missed the fact that you're  _ still _ looking into Trigon?"

 

Crap.

 

"Yeah, so...I'm here to  _ tell you  _ that you better knock it off," Lara told her.  "We haven't brought the boss into this... _ yet _ ...but no matter what role you play in life, we're  _ always _ going to be your family.   We're going to have your back, but  _ this _ ...I  _ know  _ what he did, Alex... _ I was there _ ...and I know you lost a lot...but if Trigon's going to be found and apprehended...or anything else...then it's going to be us  _ together _ ."  Lara paused for a moment.  "What does your sister say about together?"

 

"Stronger together?"

 

"Yeah, but she has some Kryptonite phrase that she was trying to teach Charlie."

 

Alex smiled at that. She also found that she missed Charlie Benanti, who was a brilliant ball of light and reminded them all exactly why they did what they did.   "El-may-arah."

 

"Right," Benanti said as she got to her feet.  "El-mayo-aura."  She clapped her hands together and Alex had to bite her bottom lip to keep from correcting Benanti.  She'd just mentally note the slaughtering of the House of El's motto to tell Kara later.  "Now!" Benanti announced.  "I expect that you'll stop chasing Trigon."

 

"No," she said without another thought.

 

Benanti's eyes immediately snapped to hers, cold and collected.  It was a side of Lara Benanti that you never wanted to be on.  "Excuse me?" she questioned.  No more was she the cheery ball of sunshine, this was the kickass and what could be fightening version of Benanti.  

 

" _ I can't. _ "

 

"You  _ can _ ...and you _ will _ ."

 

"No, I won't," Alex said quietly.  "I can't just forget what happened...what Trigon did--"

 

"Are you  _ honestly _ asking me to take you in right now?" 

 

"I'm asking you to  _ trust me _ ."

 

"Funny," Benanti commented.  "That's what I asked you to do like two minutes ago…"

 

"Lara--"

 

"The boss'll have to know now," Benanti told her with a sigh.  "You know, there's a pool going for how long this whole civilian thing would last…  I'm pretty sure that the boss just won the entire thing."

 

"Can you please just not give me the disappointed face?"

 

"I actually had  _ hope _ that you could get out of this life," Benanti told her.  "You  _ finally _ had an 'out', something you didn't have your entire life."  She shrugged.  "I mean, you're  _ good _ as an agent, but you have  _ so much more _ to give to the world...and you  _ deserve _ to be out there and happy, Alex...you deserve to  _ have _ a future."

 

All her life, she'd fought disappointment and maybe it was because she was feeling so lost and undecided in that moment, but Alex hated to disappoint anyone she cared about...and she cared about Benanti.  "You know, growing up...I was an only child and besides my parents' work...I was their _world._ "  She took in a shaky breath.  "When Kara came to live with us, my world sort of turned upside down...and I didn't really _like_ having this weird sister who was afraid of the popcorn maker or was completely enamored with birds...and as much resentment as I have lived with over the years…  It's giving up something that _drives_ me...that I'm _damn_ _good_ at...something that I can use my _entire_ skillset, not just the one that requires the lab coat."  

 

"You belong out there in the world."

 

"We all do," she said with a shrug.  "Isn't that why we do what we do?  So we can live in a safe world?  A world where Charlie can grow up without fear?"

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


"Kara called--"

 

Alex actually dropped her head onto her arm, which was lying across her desk.  "Whatever she said--"

 

"She said that she's worried about you," Eliza stated.  "So, naturally...we're worried…"

 

"Alex, what's going on?" Jeremiah questioned gently.

 

Breathe.

 

She bounced her head against her arm a few times trying to think about how she was going to say and what she was going to do now that obviously word was getting around that she was still pursuing Trigon (and from a civilian front).  Alex wasn't going to lie to her parents and it was clear from the tones of their voices that they were concerned for her.  Blowing out a heavy breath, she pushed herself up in her seat and looked over at her parents.  "It's nothing, really…  We need to prepare for the board meeting today."

 

"Alex--"

 

Closing her eyes, she held up a hand.  " _ Please _ ?  Can we just focus on the board meeting?  This is our  _ one _ chance."

 

They were quiet.

 

"Okay," her father finally spoke up.  

 

It was dropped.

 

At least for now.

 

"You're not going to wear that though, right?" her mother asked in a very motherly judging tone.

 

Alex found herself smiling.  "Apparently not."  She had time to change.  There was actually plenty of time between now and the board meeting.  This board meeting could completely change her life...their lives...the entire company.  Alex knew that she had to do everything she could to give them the advantage (even if it was something that Alex felt like shouldn't matter).  

 

"Not a blazer and pants either," her mother went on.

 

Crap.

 

"A dress."

 

Alex made a face at that.  "Really?"

 

"It would look more...polished," Jeremiah put out there.

 

"They do know that clothing choices doesn't have anything to do with the science, right?"

 

"No," her mother said.  "That said, you have nothing suitable in your closet."

 

Going out and buying a dress for this event was something that Alex refused to do...for various reasons (including how absolutely stressful the whole shopping process for especially clothes that weren't black was for her).  "I know where I can get a dress--"

 

"An  _ acceptable  _ dress?"

 

"The DEO has a closet that I can borrow from," Alex told her mother hoping that that would be enough.  It was also going to give her the chance to find out exactly what Benanti had told J'onn and how much crap was going to hit the fan.  "Prim and proper is what we're going for, right?"

 

"It doesn't have to be like a high collar or anything, Alex--"

 

"Are you trying to tell me that cleavage wouldn't be frowned upon?" Alex questioned quickly.  She was a little surprised to hear her mother saying that, if she was understanding her correctly.  Her mother shrugged and Alex let out a surprised and amused huff.  "I thought we were going for polished and not perpetuate that women are just a pretty face and breasts."

 

"Whoa," Jeremiah said immediately, obviously uncomfortable with the conversation, before turning around.

 

"It's fine for me to look nice, but they need to understand that I know what I'm talking about...and they need to _ respect _ me."

 

"They're just going to be concerned with the profits," her mother reminded.  "You  _ know _ that."

 

Alex didn't want to keep thinking that.  Maybe it was just because of her sister's optimism that was rubbing off on her more than normal.  "Maybe I'm and always be the optimist, the hoper of far-flung hopes, and the dreamer of improbable dreams."

 

"That sounds like a quote…" her father said slowly, his back still to them.

 

"It's from 'Doctor Who'," Eliza said with a sigh.  Maybe it was because her mother knew she was right.  "We'll catch you up, don't worry…"  Her mother's attention was back to her suddenly.  "Do you want me to come with you to pick out the dress?"

 

"Absolutely not," Alex managed to say without a beat between.  

 

"Come on, Eliza...let's give Alex some space," Jeremiah said.  "When she's ready to tell us whatever is going on...she'll talk to us."

 

"Have you met our daughters?" Eliza questioned, but went with Jeremiah.

 

Alex just watched them go and sucked in a breath before looking down at her cell phone.  No missed calls.  No missed messages.  No one had tried to contact her from the DEO since Benanti had left.  Obviously Kara had heard _ something _ though.  Alex was nervous, but she knew that this was something that had to be done and she was hoping that being in the DEO would calm her nerves a bit.

 

She'd gone on all kinds of ops and faced death...but the board meeting was far more frightening.  Picking up the phone, she started to text J'onn.  It was a simple text telling him that she was coming in to borrow a dress because she had a big board meeting that evening.  Alex knew that J'onn wouldn't care, though he'd probably point out that the whole part of a trial separation of her life options didn't mean borrowing from the closet of the other option.  As she set the phone down, it chimed and she found herself smiling just at his response that he'd see her soon.

  
God, she'd missed him.

 

She'd missed the DEO.

 

She'd missed the people.

 

She'd missed it all…

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


Walking back into the DEO after being gone, even if it really hadn't been  _ that _ long, it was a little like coming home.  It brought her so much comfort and there was a place inside of her that felt like it sighed a little.  She looked around and nodded at a few people, smiling a little more the further she got into the DEO.

 

"DANVERS!"

 

And she was almost immediately hugged to the ground by Benanti.  She'd just seen Benanti hours before and she'd been not pleased with her...but suddenly it seemed like Lara was bouncy and cheery.  She patted at the other woman's arm, sort of in shock that she wasn't being drug to J'onn's office in that moment or glared at.  

 

"What are you doing here?" Benanti questioned a mile a minute.  She looped her arm through Alex's and started walking.  "Is it because you missed us?  Because  _ we  _ missed you!"  

 

It was like walking into the Twilight Zone and Alex wasn't sure what to think about it.  "Uh...sure," she said, still completely confused as to what was going on.  "So, I need a dress for the board meeting...big important board meeting...and I figured the boss wouldn't mind me borrowing from the closet."

 

"Dress shopping?!" Benanti practically exploded.  She steered her in the direction of the DEO's 

'closet'.  It was practically a wing all of its own, but it was necessary with the amount of people they had and all of the possible covers that they all took.     
  
"I'm just putting it out there right now, despite the fact that my mom thinks it might help me, I'd rather it be classy and not so much cleavage," Alex stated firmly.

 

"Got it, modest with the boobs," Benanti said quickly.  They entered the 'closet' and Alex found herself unlinked as Benanti went off and started to go through racks of clothing.  

 

She knew that there was no need for her to actually be an active member of the search for the perfect dress, so she sat down and just watched Benanti busy herself.  Besides, Alex knew that this was something that Benanti _ really _ liked doing.  Someone sat beside her and suddenly a donut was held out in front of her.  Alex happily took the offering and bit into it.  She savoured it for a moment before looking over at Adler.  "How are things?"

 

"We all know," Adler told her.

 

"Know what?"

 

"You know, you're really bad at playing dumb, Danvers," she said with a sigh.  "Sometimes you make me question how you became a DEO agent in the first place."

 

" _ Kind _ ," Alex said before taking another bite.

 

The two of them watched Benanti for a few minutes in silence, just eating their respective donuts.  "You know, I really can't blame you," Adler said.  "I don't know how you haven't come back here before now.  Being a civilian would absolutely drive me insane.  I was a cop before, but that's basically the same as being an agent.  Doing what you're doing...it's so...disconnected from this life."  There was a beat.  "Though, I guess that's the point."

 

"Apparently."

 

"How's it working out for you?"

 

"Well, you know already."

 

"That's true, but I haven't heard from you...how  _ you _ feel it's going."

 

"Life freaking outside of here is terrifying as a civilian," Alex said.  "All I keep thinking about is what's happening around the world.  What is Kara doing?  That I could be here helping to keep her safe...keeping people safe…  That there's something more I should be doing…  And I have no intel now, so I have no idea if something the size of Fort Rozz is going to fall from the sky and flatten us on Tuesday."

 

"I think that kind of thing tends to happen on Mondays."

 

Alex just smiled in response.  She sighed and looked towards Benanti who seemed to be studying between two dresses.  Alex wasn't very fond of either.  That didn't matter, though, what mattered was looking polished and professional.  It meant appearing a certain way, even though that didn't really have anything to do with what was in her brain or what her intellect was capable.  She was playing her role in the big game.  That was it.

 

"Are you going to see the boss before you leave?" Adler questioned.

 

"I don't know."

 

"He misses you."

 

"No--"

 

"He's grumpy when you're not around."

 

Alex sighed, she knew that that was true.  He got grumpy when she wasn't around or when she'd been hurt.  He was the same way with Kara.  "We're all adjusting, right?"

 

"He can adjust a little faster…"

 

"Okay!  I have it!" Benanti proclaimed.  A dress was presented before her and Alex wished it was black, but she was thankful that it was a dark color.  There was some comfort for Alex in dark colors.  "What do you think?"

 

"I think it's my sister's color."

 

Benanti gave a wave of dismissal at Alex's comment.  "The color is just  _ fine _ .  What about the dress?"  There was a beat.  "I know it's not black and that it's not DEO standard field issue…"  She obviously sensed what was coming.  

 

"It's simple."

 

"Well, we can dress it up--"

 

"No," Alex said.  "I like simple."  The capped sleeve dress was navy blue with a 'v' slit down the front that was just enough, it had simple delicate features that added to the femininity of the simple design that was obviously meant to show off curves, and the length looked like it fell to right above the knee.  It was modest and yet not to the point where it was just way too long.  It was bad enough Alex was going to have to wear this thing at all.

 

"Are you going to stick around so that I can help you get ready?"

 

"Uh--"

 

"So, yes?  Great!" Benanti said cheerfully.  

 

Alex looked over to Adler, who just sympathetically handed her another donut.  She knew she was going to have to fit into that form fitting dress, but another donut in between really wasn't going to do anything more than maybe make the whole thing a little easier for her to handle.  

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


It had been something like a Cinderella moment (or at least that was how Benanti had described it).  It wasn't like she hadn't dressed herself up before, but it wasn't something that Alex enjoyed.  It was definitely something that Benanti found happiness in, so Alex had just given in.  It was just easier that way...and the outcome was perfect.  The dress was just right and Benanti had dressed it up with just a couple of things to make it less 'boring' and then they'd moved on to hair and make-up.  

 

Sitting in the 'closet' area alone, Alex was just taking in that she still had time before she needed to leave and head to the board meeting.  She was hating the idea of having to leave at all.  The board meeting was absolutely no motivation for her to move from where she was sitting.  She knew she wouldn't starve because Adler would likely be around with another donut before too long.  

 

"You're going to be fine."

 

"What if I don't want it to be?" she questioned as she looked in the direction the voice was coming from.  J'onn moved towards her, a concerned look on his face.  Alex knew that she was supposed to be giving this a fair try and to not be self-sabotaging, but being there in the DEO had made her miss it all the more.  

 

"It still will be," J'onn assured before taking a seat next to her.  He stared at her.  "You're brilliant, Alex.  If I hadn't recruited you...this is what you'd be doing…"

 

"I wouldn't be CEO--"

 

"Maybe not, but you'd still be doing work that would be touching the lives of people," J'onn said.  "You'd still want to make the world a better place."

 

Sometimes it was hard to think of her life like that.  "I don't know if I ever was truly programmed to be able to live a life like my parents...lab rats…"

 

He smiled at that.  "No, I think you always craved adventure...even before Kara came crashing down from the sky."

 

Kara.

 

"I miss you both…" she whispered as she leaned her head against his shoulder.  "I don't even get to see Kara hardly at all now…"

 

"I miss you...we both miss you," he told her.  "But life is still figuring out a rhythm for all of us."

 

"I miss the DEO.  I miss  _ this  _ life, J'onn."

 

"Are you really ready to give up on Lord Technologies today?  Are you ready to give up Max's legacy?  To hand over the company to someone else?  To leave the possibility of a normal life?"

 

"Let's be honest, even working at Lord Tech as the CEO, there is basically never going to be a time where I have a normal life," Alex told him.  "Not with my family."

 

"Alex--"

 

"I miss the action, though," she pushed.  "I miss being out there hunting down alien threats and being side by side with my sister...with you...with everyone."  And what she needed to do felt so clear in that moment.  

 

"What about the board meeting?"

 

She still had to go.  "I'll do my presentation and hope for the best," Alex explained.  "But that doesn't mean that I choose to keep doing that over the DEO."

 

"A trial period--"

 

"Isn't there some kind of clause that says I can cancel my trial period at any time?"

 

He just grinned at that.  

 

"No?"

 

"Just a little longer, Alex."

 

She sighed.  It would feel like another lifetime.  "Okay."

 

"I'll be here, though, if you need me."

 

"And I'll just be a call away."

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


TBC…

  
  



	7. Bouvet Island

She'd basically disappeared.

 

The board had been impressed and had basically told her that they would be keeping her on...at least until the time being (she took that as 'until she screwed up', which really was likely what she was doing in that moment).  Her parents were back at Lord Technologies and they were keeping things running in her absence.  Alex had made a point to make sure that she had gotten caught up and even ahead (where she could) on everything at the company.  The thing was, she couldn't just be idle and know that Trigon was out there in the world.  

 

Benanti had caught her tracking him a little over a week before and J'onn hadn't told her to stop.  Even if J'onn had told her to stop, to tell her that it was too dangerous, and that the DEO was already working on it...it wouldn't have stopped her.  Alex would have still pursued Trigon and though she was certain that Benanti _ knew _ that, J'onn knew it better.     
  
Before leaving National City, she'd ensured that an e-mail out go out to her parents, to Kara, and to J'onn if she wasn't back to civilization in time to cancel it from sending.  She'd also gone so far as to leave goodbye letters to all of them.  It wasn't the first time.  She'd done it upon joining the DEO, but no recent updates.  With how she'd lost Max to Trigon, the reminder that they were all mortal, she'd felt like it was imperative that she do so.  Her father had never gotten to say goodbye all those years before and she didn't want that for her family and though a letter wasn't the same as saying goodbye in person, it was what was needed for this trip...and her frame of mind.

 

So, here she stood bundled up on Bouvet Island.  The ship that had brought her there was anchored nearby, but she'd needed to take a boat to actually get to the mostly glacier island.  The island was technically Norwegian, but was one thousand one hundred miles north of Antarctica and one thousand six hundred miles south of the southern tip of South Africa.  The island was in the middle of nowhere, uninhabited, but Alex didn't think that that was entirely true at the moment.  She'd been looking for signs of Trigon and she was certain that she'd found him...on that island.  

 

As she stood on the snowy rocky coast, looking out towards where the glacier sat atop of the inactive volcano and the majority of the tiny, she sucked in a breath and then blew it out.  Her breath visible and her mind suddenly wondering if this was really such a good idea to do alone.  It didn't matter now, she was there.  There was no going back without at least having a look.  She knew how long she could be out there and she was fairly sure that she'd packed appropriately for her time there.  

 

Her gloved hands wrapped around the straps of her backpack as she started inland, her boots crunching into the snow as she moved forward.  

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"How _ far _ are you going to go?" the wind whispered to her as it whisked by her and around her.  She'd forged probably further than she should have gone, the fog had drifted down and around her making her visibility level close to only a step in front of her.  

 

Alex sucked in a breath and tried to tell herself that it wasn't real.

 

It was just the wind...and her mind.

 

There were no voices.

 

The glacier beneath her feet shook and Alex lost her balance, her hands immediately going out to catch herself if she were to completely fall to the ground while the rest of her body struggled to position itself in the best way to keep her balance.  Her gloved fingers immediately went to dig for a hand hold as she fell to her hands and knees.  Alex's hood fell back and she pulled it immediately back over her head.  She was wearing a beanie and had a scarf secured around her neck, so even without the hood for a moment she hadn't been completely exposed to the harsh arctic elements.  

 

"Alex!"

 

Her name was on the wind again and Alex fought tears forming in her eyes.  She knew that she should head back, but she couldn't...not when she swore she was so close to Trigon's position.  She had to see the location for herself.  Even if it was just a sheet of ice, Alex had to see it for herself to know that Trigon wasn't actually there.  

 

"Shut up!" she screamed at the wind.

 

An arm wrapped around her and dragged her upward and back.  "Alex!" 

 

She fought, not even thinking to listen carefully to the voice.  After a moment, she was flung around until she came face to face with J'onn J'onzz in his Martian Manhunter attire.  Stilling, Alex sucked in a breath and took a moment to take in that this was reality.  It wasn't her imagination.  It wasn't a hallucination.  No, this was her friend.  "What--what are you doing here, J'onn?" Alex finally managed to get out.  

 

"Looking for you."  He didn't seem pleased.  "Your sister is scanning the island on the other side," J'onn explained.  

 

"I--"

 

"You missed sister night, no one could get a hold of you, you weren't at your apartment, and that immediately led to your parents being worried about you as well," J'onn said softly.  "Which made me worried…"

 

Alex just didn't know what to say.  She'd thought she'd covered all of her steps.  She thought that no one would miss her for at least a couple more days.  It had been hard to keep it all a secret, but she had sworn that she'd told Kara that she hadn't felt up to doing anything this week.  Maybe that had thrown Kara and she'd come to check on her?  Bring sister night to her?  "I couldn't just…"  

 

"Alex!" her sister shouted and was there hugging her before Alex could even turn to find where she stood.  "I was so worried!"

 

"I hadn't meant to worry you."  She looked over at J'onn.  "Either of you."

 

"I'm just going to start putting trackers in all of my agents," J'onn half teased.  This was something that had been discussed before, so her antics probably weren't helping make that sound like a bad plan.  They already placed trackers in most agents' boots.  

 

"Why are you all the way out here?" Kara questioned.

 

Alex saw J'onn's eyes on her and she knew that he knew why she was there.  Kara obviously didn't or maybe she was just hoping to hear another answer instead.  "Trigon," she said, her eyes diverting away from Kara's for a moment.  She knew that it wasn't the response that Kara would want to hear, but it was the truth.

 

"Trigon?" Kara repeated.  It took a moment, but her sister's voice definitely got angry.  "And you came  _ alone _ ?!  Without backup?  Without telling anyone?  Without telling  _ me _ ?"  It seemed to take a moment for it to settle in her before Kara looked at J'onn.  "Did you know?"

 

"I _ suspected _ ," J'onn said calmly.

 

"Alex, I thought things were going okay with you and the company?"

 

She crossed her arms over her chest and took a moment before responding.  Even though it was cold there, it wasn't as cold as she'd originally expected when she'd looked up the weather for the small island.  "I couldn't let go of the fact that Trigon was still out there...that the creature who killed Max was still out there…"  

 

"You're still having the dreams, aren't you?" Kara asked, her voice finally calm and gentle.

 

"Yeah…"

 

Kara was hugging her again and Alex held to her for a long moment, just trying to think what came next.  "Alex, you know that we'd have helped…"

 

"I was still on my 'normal life' trial period," Alex reminded.  "Benanti had already caught me the other week looking into this…"

 

Kara pulled back and looked at her and then J'onn.  "But…"

 

"I told you I  _ suspected _ ," J'onn said.  "I have just been keeping a closer eye on her since Lara came to me."

 

"Please," Alex practically pleaded, looking between the two of them.  "Just a little farther?  If he's not at the location that I have, then I'll go home…  I just have to see."

 

"What about your boat?"

 

Pulling back the sleeve of her jacket just enough, she sighed.  "They'll probably turn around and head back if I'm not back soon."

 

"How good of a plan was that?  A boat to bring you out of here and then it just leaves you?" Kara went off.  She was clearly not pleased, but for good reason.  Alex really couldn't fault her sister for her feelings.  "It sounds like some crazy plan they had in one of the 'Jurassic Park' movies."

 

"It probably was," Alex said, but was unable to think of an exact moment where that was a thing.  It was likely part of a villain arc or something.  She knew that this meant, though, more than before...that she was going to have to really explain herself to her parents once they got back to National City.  "Are you going to make me go back now?"

 

"No," Kara told her and they both looked over at J'onn.  "Right?"

 

"Are you going to be warm enough for the flight back?" J'onn questioned.

 

"Yes," Alex confirmed.  It had been a while since she'd been flying with Kara, so it was sort of a nice bonus even though she was sort of in trouble over everything.  

 

"Then I guess it's been decided, but if we're in over our heads...we're going to turn around and get backup."

 

"Agreed."

 

Trigon was one who could change his size, which often was a difficult thing for them.  It was one of the reasons why Cisco and the others were working so hard to repair the The Pipeline cells back at the DEO.  They were purposefully taking into account some of their more difficult aliens and creatures, whether that be due to their size or their level of danger.  It was a necessary thing with better safeguards that would hopefully prevent what had happened before…

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


Crap.

 

Crap.

 

Crap.

 

Her feet moved quickly underneath her, but it didn't seem like it was fast enough.  Alex went sliding down a section of the glacier, the entire time her head kept looking back to where she'd been to begin with and then back over to where she was sliding towards.  

 

Trigon had been there on the island.

 

They'd been spotted and so Kara and J'onn had gone to engage him.  Alex had only come prepared with a personal sidearm and a bit of extra ammunition.  Even though she'd known Trigon was there, she'd logically known that there was no way that she could take him down on her own.  No, they'd need the entire force of the DEO and everything that came along with it.  Her sidearm had done nothing.  Nothing.  It hadn't even pissed off Trigon.  It hadn't even been the slightest bit a distraction.  Last she'd seen of her sister and boss, they'd been smacked skyward in opposite directions and then Trigon had come after her.  The heat from his body seemed to be melting the glacier at a slow rate and Alex wondered if the heat he produced increased with anger and other such emotions.  

 

There was a stomping sound and then a loud crash sound right behind her.  The ground beneath her felt like she was on one of those wiggly bridges they had on playgrounds, like a constant wave...but there was nothing to hold onto.  Alex found herself flying forward, she was flying off the side of a dropoff, and right towards the icy water.  There was nothing she could do except to breathe and try to prepare her body for the cold that would penetrate the winter clothing she was wearing and would undoubtedly kill her in the end.

 

"Alex!"

 

This time, it definitely wasn't the wind, but rather J'onn catching her right before she hit the water.  He pulled her higher, so that she was positioned better for flight.  He waited a moment before finding a good hover point and turned them so that they could see the island once again.  Kara joined them a moment later.  Trigon was still down there and Alex wasn't really sure what to feel at that point.

 

Relief seemed like the obvious emotion, but all Alex could really think was that they'd been so close.  If she'd talked to J'onn, maybe if they'd coordinated with the DEO then they'd have Trigon in custody.

 

"Am I taking this as you cancelling your trial period?" J'onn questioned.

 

"There has never been any real option of a normal life for me," Alex countered.  "This is who I am...I think it's about time that we all accept that."

 

"But will you be able to keep a level head?"

 

"As much as anyone else."

 

"Adler's going to test you," Kara pointed out.

 

"Bring it."

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


TBC…

  
  
  



	8. Reset

"Alexandra…"

 

And she knew that she shouldn't expect anything more.  Her parents had every right to be upset with her after what she'd done, but Alex just didn't feel like she had the time for fussing right now.  "What were you thinking?" came her father's voice.

 

She stopped and turned at that.  Maybe it was because she'd always been closer to her father and unable to deal with his disappointment in her more than her mother, or maybe it was just because she knew that if she didn't stop and deal with the talk they wanted now...they would just keep following her.  "I'm sorry," Alex put out there immediately.  "I swear I am."  She sucked in a breath and then pushed it out, trying to steady herself.  "I just really had to do it...I'm sorry if I disappointed you both by not sticking to the whole normal life trial period company thing...but this is who I am...I'm a DEO agent."

 

Out of the two of them, her mother seemed like the disappointed one.  "I thought you liked it...you were doing so well...the board really liked you," her mother said.  "Alex, are you sure that this is _ really _ the life you want?"

 

"It's the life that I'm _ really _ good at," Alex brought up.  Being part of the DEO wasn't just about being a soldier or hunting down aliens, she got to use her entire skillset...including her science background.  Nothing in her life ever felt wasted when she was working there.  Every single experience and nugget of education that she'd taken in over her lifespan, it was all used there and she just hoped that her family would support her...because she needed them to be right there with her, especially now.

 

With them pursuing Trigon in full force, it meant that she'd need her parents and Kara even more because no matter how prepared she felt...she knew that her brain wouldn't let her forget what happened with Max or with Trigon.  It would haunt her and though she hoped that knowing that the unearthly creature was either jailed or dead would help her sleep at night, she wasn't counting on it.  It wasn't the past she wanted to forget, just to know that her world would be a little safer…

 

It was a moment where Alex swore it was the most disappointed that her mother had ever been in her thus far in her life.  "I just…"  Eliza sighed and crossed her arms over her chest.  "The more I think about it, the more I can't help but think that you being in the DEO is in my fault…  That I forced you into this life…  I should have been there--"

 

Alex crossed the distance between them and embraced her mother, which apparently effectively stopped her from finishing her sentence.  She and her mother hadn't always seen eye to eye, especially when she was growing up, but she knew that her mother had done the best she could (especially after her father had 'died') with her and Kara.  "You're here right now," Alex whispered.  "The DEO isn't the same as it was when I was a kid," she reminded as she squeezed her mother a little.  "I'm making a difference here...and you're the one that made me strong enough to do it."  She pulled back to look her mother in the face.  "Have faith in me."

 

"We do," her father spoke up and put an arm around Eliza.

 

"We do," her mother echoed a moment.

 

"Does this mean that we can get to work now on kicking alien ass?" Adler questioned as she seemed to magically be right next to Alex.  She looked over at the other woman as she balanced a pink bakery box and held the donut she was eating in the other.  "Because that's why I signed up for the DEO."

 

"It wasn't to make the world a better place?" Kara piped up cheerily for the first time since the Danvers parents had spoken.  

 

"Nope," Adler said as she took a bite of her donut.  "Definitely not."  And then she was just gone.

 

"We didn't even get a donut," Alex pointed out to Kara.

 

J'onn held up a donut.  "At least I'm not in the dog house with Adler."

 

Adler's passing out of donuts was sort of a sign of things in the DEO.  Right now she and Kara had no donuts, which meant that Adler wasn't pleased.  It was likely partly because she didn't approve of Alex's choices, but they were  _ her  _ choices to make.  

 

"Maybe J'onn got the last one," Kara suggested.

 

"X-ray the box," Alex told her sister since Adler was still in sight, she was just across the DEO. 

 

"Alex--"

 

"Because you know I'm right," Alex said with a shrug while Kara just stared at her for a long moment.

 

A sigh was released.  "You know, just because you're back to the DEO doesn't mean that you need to be right all the time…"

 

"It kind of does…" Alex teased lightly with a smile.

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


It was almost like a celebration at the choice she'd made with her life.  It was more than just pouring her heart back into working at the DEO, it was accepting that there still needed to be a balance in her life no matter how difficult that was.  There was a weight that was lifted from her and more of a freeness to her life (and it had only been a couple of hours).  

 

"What are we going to do with Lord Technologies?" 

 

They were having family dinner at Kara's apartment, but this was very much something that they did need to discuss.  "I haven't really thought that far ahead," Alex responded.  "To be honest."

 

"Do you  _ want _ to keep the company?" her father asked, obviously trying to figure out things.  "If you do, then we can make arrangements...maybe someone who has a strong business background, but also is reasonable to the actual science behind things."

 

"You also want someone who has a heart and who understands that things take times," Eliza added.

 

"I don't want the company just going to anyone, it's Max's company and he left it to me for a reason," Alex told them.

 

"Well, it's not something you have to decide right this moment, right?" Kara piped up from in the kitchen.  "You have some time to think about it?"

 

"Maybe."

 

"It's something that we honestly need to be considering now," Jeremiah told them slowly.  "But it's something we can be looking into _ tomorrow _ ."  He paused.  "Right now, let's just enjoy dinner and being together.  All of us.  Safe and together."

 

"Is J'onn coming?" Kara asked.

 

"Not exactly sure," Alex replied honestly.  "He was trying to do some more research on Trigon's whereabouts and trying to put together an action plan when I left earlier."

 

"We  _ are _ going to find him, Alex," Kara insisted firmly.

 

"I know."  That, of course, didn't make it any easier.  As Kara put an arm around her and pulled her close, she knew that something more was coming.  She knew her sister too well to think that she'd just give it up on whatever was bothering her.  

 

Kara's head landed on her shoulder and she spoke a moment later.  "Please don't do that again, promise me?  If you're going to go face Trigon or some other thing that resembles the devil...promise me that you'll wait for me?" she whispered.  

 

Alex looked down at her and then pressed a kiss to her forehead.  "I promise."

 

"Because I would cross all the oceans...fly around the entire world if I needed...to find you," Kara said gently.  "And I don't know what I'd do if I lost you."

 

"I love you, too."

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


For the time being, Alex tried not to dwell on what would become of Lord Technologies.  When she did that, she fell too far into the cycle of thought that she was failing Max and his legacy.  Failing and being a disappointment were the two things that Alex Danvers feared most in the world.  

 

"Do you want me to stay longer?" Kara asked as she handed her a large mug of hot chocolate with marshmallows.  

 

"No, it's okay...I just think I'm just going to sit here for a little bit and think," Alex said as she looked towards the window.  It was late, dark, and though they were in the city...there were enough stars that could be seen from where she sat.  

 

"You're sure?"

 

"I promise not to run off to practically Antarctica again...at least not without you," Alex said gently with a small smile.  Her sister wrapped her arms around her and Alex wrapped her arm as best as she could in the position she was in, squeezing her.  "I just want to be alone tonight, but I promise if I need you...I'll call you."

 

"You better, 'cause I can be over here in like a minute," Kara said quite seriously, which only made Alex smile wider.  

 

"Good night, Kara."

 

"Good night, Alex."

 

Kara showed herself out, which left Alex sitting there with her hot chocolate and the stars to stare out at.  She knew Trigon was still out there, but there was nothing to do tonight about it.  It had been nice having her family over and J'onn had stopped by for all of thirty minutes before he'd been called back to the DEO.  As much as it was a happy time when she had her family together, it seemed like only sad or hard circumstances pulled them together.  That wasn't how it should be.  

 

Alex just wanted to be truly happy.

 

Even if it was a glimmer of it.

 

She just needed to know that it was still out there in her future.  

 

Her mind wandered to the dreams that she'd been having, the ones about Midvale and Max and the little girl.  There was always some things that he seemed to say every single time.  "Then I'm willing to wait for it," she whispered to herself as she thought about all of those dreams.  It was like her brain kept making her relive this possible future with Max that she'd now been robbed of (if it had ever even been a possibility).  

 

Alex took a sip of her hot chocolate and then closed her eyes, thinking about the beach…

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


Normally, it was peaceful and filled with giggling or laughter of the little girl.  This time Alex's ears were filled with the screams of the little girl.  When her eyes finally opened to take in the beachscape of Midvale, she found that though the landscape was what she'd expected...the conditions of it weren't so.  

 

The houses were on fire.

 

Smoke filled the area instead of fog.

 

The water hit the shore with a crashing sound, but it wasn't the only thing making a crashing sound.  In the distance, she could see Trigon's towering figure as he marched in from the ocean.  Steam rising up around him with every step.  

 

"Alex!  Alex!"

 

She was grabbed and yanked backward.  All she could do in that moment was to reach down where her holster should be.  Instead she found she was in civilian clothing and no sidearm on her.  "No!" she finally found her voice.  Alex put her feet sternly into the ground and then pulled herself away from whoever was hauling her away, she turned to see Max there, the little girl clinging to his leg.  

 

"It's too dangerous!"

 

"When have I ever run from danger?"

 

"Please, Mommy!" the little girl pleaded.

 

"What are you going to fight him with?" Max questioned firmly.  

 

Her mouth just hung open for a moment.  Alex was searching for the right answer.  The problem was that her brain kept reminding her two things: this wasn't right and it was all a dream.  Nothing that was before her was real.  The danger wasn't real...well, not that imminent at least.  Trigon was still out there, but he wasn't burning down things and coming for her in  _ that _ moment.  

 

"This isn't real," she breathed.

 

"Alex!  Please!" Max pleaded.

 

She turned to him, words he had previously said flooded her head.  "Max!  What about what you said before?"

 

"What do you mean?"

 

For a moment, she swore that he seemed to be completely there, the world crumbling around them forgotten.  Then the little girl yanked on his shirt and whined at him, "Daddy!  I'm scared!"  Alex knew that if this was truly her child, even if it were just an imaginary one that she should really fear for her safety...to feel something, but right now all she felt was nothing.

 

Her eyes were on Max.  "You told me that you'd wait for it…" she felt like she was shouting against the crash of the waves behind her and the thunderous washy steps of Trigon.  Her hands were holding his upper arms, fingers curling into the fabric, and likely leaving bruises underneath.  What if this was it?  The last dream?  Trigon was coming to destroy dreamworld...what if this was really it?  Then she needed to make sure that Max answered all of her questions before she'd lost the last remnant of him.  "What does that  _ mean _ , Max?  What--"

 

"We make our mistakes, Alexandra…" Max said.  Something about how he said her name reminded her of another time, taking her out of that moment for a brief beat.  "Life takes and it takes, but I will be by your side."  He sucked in a breath.  "And I'm willing to wait for it."

 

" _ But this isn't real _ !" she shouted, pulling her into a spiral.  Everything started to spin, emotions flooded and overtook her, and Alex found herself clinging to Max harder.  She didn't want to let him go, not just yet.  This was all a dream.  " _ I'm sorry _ ," she whispered.  It felt like the last moment she could say all the things that she should have said to him before.  "I'm sorry for everything, Max…"  Tears rolled down her cheeks as she forced the dream to continue a little longer.  "There were so many things that I should have said to you...so many things that I'll never actually get to say to you...and I...I wanted to run the company for you, to continue your legacy...but I just can't…"

 

He smiled.  "You should be happy, Alex."

 

But she wasn't.

 

"I don't know if I know how to be."

 

"You will."

 

"How do you know?"

 

"Because all you have to do is  _ wait for it _ ."

 

His final words to her before it was yanked from her were so peaceful, even, and serene.  She had no idea how so much love and sincerity could have been packed into that sentence, but she swore they were, she could feel it.  

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


Waking with a start, Alex spilled her hot chocolate all over herself.  She stared at the broken oversized mug that lie a few inches from her feet on the floor.  Shock was hitting her, but it wasn't the still hot chocolate.  It was the emotions that were curled up inside of her, the ones that almost felt like they could choke her.  She had hoped to feel like she'd be able to be at peace with Max's passing and the fact that she couldn't run the company...but she still didn't.  It was more like she'd just stirred up old emotions, including grief, which she'd thought she'd already worked through.

 

They were still there.

 

It all still hurt.

 

Fresh.

 

Raw.

 

Alex sucked in a breath and then reached up to push tears that were rolling down her cheeks.  Her fingers hurt, she realized, and all she could remember was clinging to Max in the dream.  It was all so real, though.  How could something that wasn't real actually  _ feel _ real?  

 

Wait for it.

 

That's what Max had kept telling her.

 

It had always been like he wasn't gone.

 

He  _ was _ gone.

 

She'd seen the DNA results that had been lifted from The Pipeline.  There was no way that he could have survived it.  Alex just sat there, unsure of what to do.  Looking around, she grabbed her cell phone, dialed the first person on her favorites list, and held it to her ear.  "Can you come over?" she managed to get out, not realizing until a moment after exactly how broken she sounded.

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


TBC…

  
  



	9. Pause

"You do realize that you're not _ actually _ in charge, right?"

 

"I totally am."

 

"You're not," Felicity insisted.

 

"What?  Are you telling me that  _ you're _ the one in charge?" Cisco asked as he bit off a piece of licorice.  

 

Apparently her first full day back at work meant that she had to oversee the finalizing of The Pipeline repairs.  Most of it had been done in her absence.  Right now, they were all running through checklists, though Alex was fairly sure that it was mostly just Cisco and Felicity arguing between the two of them.  

 

"Actually,  _ she's _ in charge," Caitlin reminded them both as she motioned in Alex's direction, speaking up after being silent since Alex had walked into the room (besides a polite quiet greeting).  "Just in case you two forgot."

 

So far as she could tell, Barry was either out superhero-ing with Kara (or alone if the DEO needed it) in between doing basically anything he was asked to (whether that was speeding through The Pipeline doing something, tweaking something down there, or just getting lunch).  Curtis was down in The Pipeline walking it over with Benanti and Torres.  They were really trying to make sure that they had all of their bases covered.  They wanted to make sure that everything was operating properly and that all systems were checking out correctly.  

 

"Just know that I will have no more snacks or food deliveries if you're not being productive," Alex half teased, but was actually also serious.  "That means no more donuts either."

 

"Oh, that's cruel," Cisco breathed.  "That's downright cruel."

 

"Just so you know, I was totally scanning code while I was arguing with Cisco," Felicity said as she motioned to her computer screen.

 

She knew that Felicity and Curtis normally didn't work with 'Team Flash' too often, which was likely why they were all still alive because Alex was fairly certain that people would have killed each other at this point otherwise.  Likely she was thinking this because she felt like strangling people in that moment.  

 

There was actually no need for her to actually be there overseeing, she knew that, technically Adler was once again in charge of it.  She'd been overseeing things while Alex had been on her trial version of living a normal life, but Alex also knew how Adler was with scientists (and now she was very much feeling like Adler likely felt).  J'onn had actually really tried to argue against her being around The Pipeline at all while it was being finished up, but something inside of Alex told her that she needed to be there.  Maybe J'onn was right, maybe in a way she was punishing herself, but she liked to think that it was because she just wanted to make sure that nothing could happen like how things had happened to Max.  

 

It  _ had _ to be right.

 

"I think I'm going to go walk The Pipeline with Benanti," Alex said suddenly as she got to her feet.  She realized that they were all looking at her and it was clear that they thought that that was a bad idea.  Alex didn't care.  She needed to move.  She could see it all on the cameras, she had access to the plans, she had access to all of the fail safes, but none of that replaced her being able to walk it and see it with her own eyes.  

 

"Uh, but I thought we needed to be watched," Cisco said grasping for something flatly and hesitantly, obviously trying to come up with a reason for her to say and doing so failingly.  

 

"You do," Alex confirmed.  "I'm sure Adler will walk by and peek in on you all."

 

"For someone who's always carrying around brightly iced donuts with sprinkles, she's frightening," Cisco commented.

 

"She'd probably actually really take that as a compliment," Felicity spoke up.

 

"She would," Alex confirmed.  "Might want to try that line when you see her... _ maybe  _ you'll get a donut."

 

"I'm not sure I really wanted to risk my life for a donut," Cisco grumbled.  

 

Alex just left them without another word.  She was determined and she knew that she needed to act quickly before she could talk herself out of it or before J'onn interfered with her mission to go down to The Pipeline.  She had to.  It was now or never.  

 

Breathe in.

 

Breathe out.

 

Making it to The Pipeline was the easy part.  Walking down the bridge was the harder part because all she could do was drag her feet and swallow down the pain that she felt as she tried to push back the memories that threaten to take over her completely.

 

"Alex."

 

She sucked in a breath and then turned to see J'onn standing there behind her.  Alex expected a lecture, but instead he simply took her hand in his and stood there with her.  She looked down at their hands and then back up at him, thankful for the support.  

 

They didn't need words in that moment.

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


"Hey, you okay?"

 

Alex looked up and over.  "Yeah--"

 

"You sure?"

 

A cup of coffee was placed in front of her and she let out a sigh.  Alex wrapped her fingers around the coffee mug and pulled it close.  She took in the smell of the hot beverage before moving her eyes to the woman that was now sitting in the chair just a few feet away.  "No," Alex told her.

 

"You went down into The Pipeline," Caitlin said softly.  "Are you okay?" she asked again.

 

J'onn had been with her, so it at least she'd had support.  It was better that way.  "No," she whispered as she looked back down at her coffee.  "All I can think about when I'm down there is about how Trigon killed Max...and all that time we spent in the dark just thinking about that and having no idea what was happening outside with the world."

 

"No matter what I say, it's not going to make it better or easier," Caitlin said gently.  "You have people to lean on, people who are willing to be there when you need them to be and even when you don't, and they absolutely love you.  As hard as it is, that's all you really need...and work."  Alex was a little surprised to hear that.  "From what I have seen of you and heard about you, you are a bit of a workaholic."

 

"I like my job."

 

"Me too," Caitlin said with a small smile.  "Even when it's just sort of babysitting Cisco and Barry to make sure they're behaving."

 

"I thought Felicity was the one doing the babysitting?"

 

"She technically is supposed to be babysitting Curtis," Caitlin told her brightly.  "It's...we're a family...even if we seem dysfunctional at times."

 

"We all need one."

 

"A family?"

 

"And the dysfunction," Alex added with a small smile.  She sipped the coffee for a moment and sucked in a breath.  "Thank you."

 

"For what?"

 

"For checking on me."

 

"Anytime."

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


The crash of the waves was there for a moment.

 

The salty smell of the ocean.

 

The feeling of sand between her toes.

 

The cool breeze--

 

When she opened her eyes, though, she found herself somewhere else.  In every other dream, she'd been in that house in Midvale on the beach.  It certainly wasn't a beach.  Instead it was green and lush.  A house--no, a cottage in the middle of a forest somewhere.  From what little Alex could see in that blink of a moment, it was very much like something ripped from the pages of a fairy tale or princess story...a cottage tucked away safely in the middle of the forest.

 

The sound of birds chirping suddenly filled her ears.

 

Movement in her peripheral pulled her attention next.  The little girl giggling, her hair down and flying behind her as she ran.  The happy bark of a dog as it chased her.  They came to a stop in front of the cottage, this picture perfect scene as the little girl crouched in front of the dog and started to love on it.  It wasn't much, a very small thing--

 

"Come in for lunch now."

 

Alex's heart stopped a beat.  She knew that he'd be there.  He was always there, but there was something about that moment as she stared at him in the doorway of that cottage that scared her.  It wasn't his manifestation or his countenance, but that he had felt more real in that moment than he had when he was alive.  

 

There Maxwell stood in casual clothes and facial hair that looked like it was doing what it wanted instead of the clean shaven look that normally took its place.  He looked very much like he belonged in that place, but there was a hint of exhaustion to him.  Alex tilted her head and really studied the scene for a breath.

 

"Daddy, what did you make for lunch?" the little girl asked as she tugged at the hem of his shirt.  

 

Max's eyes didn't leave hers, though.  He didn't glance down at the girl, but instead started to move towards her.  Alex automatically started to close the distance between them as well.  His hands immediately moved to hold her face as he kissed her.  It was passionate and Alex found herself already longing for his lips before they left hers.  It wasn't real, though, she reminded herself.  When they pulled back, it was only an inch.  "Alex…" he breathed.

 

Her eyes moved to take his in.  

 

"I'm here…"

 

"Max--"

 

"Daddy!  Mommy!" the little girl shouted from behind.  

 

"You just have to  _ look _ ."

 

Her eyes squeezed shut and she could feel tears rolling down her cheeks as she shook her head.  No, this wasn't real.  She knew that it wasn't real.  It was all a dream and this was all her head telling her that she really wasn't finished grieving--

 

" _ Alexandra _ !" he shouted now, his hands still holding her face between them.  When her eyes snapped open, she saw his lips move and could hear the words whispered.  "Wait for it."  But it was all instantaneous as she felt like she was ripped from the dream.

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


" _ Alex _ !"

 

Fog filled her mind and all her mind was registering (besides her name) was hands on her upper arms, which she immediately dislodged and then she found herself tumbling.  Her eyes snapped open, finding a familiar face, right when her back slammed against the floor.  She was being held down and she realized that she must have fallen asleep in the DEO, what she didn't understand was why J'onn was holding her down.  

 

Blinking for a moment, she opened her mouth and then sucked in a breath.  Her emotions were brimming, but everyone was around her.  J'onn seemed to sense this and just threw his head around to glare at the spectators.  It seemed like enough because everyone seemed to slowly disappear.  " _ Breathe _ ," he prompted quietly and gently.  His hands and weight pulling away from her as he recoiled into a crouched state.  "You're safe.  Just take a minute."

 

So, she closed her eyes again and tried.  

 

She didn't know what had led her to this position, but Alex was glad that now she and J'onn were left alone to sort it all out.  "What happened?" she asked.  Her eyes opened and she did her best to sit up without feeling ill, it was slow but obviously not slow enough.

 

"I'm not entirely sure," J'onn admitted.  "I was in the control room when I felt waves of upset from you."  He paused for a moment.  "I can't help eavesdropping in a way when it feels like you're practically broadcasting your emotions at that point."  

 

"I was having a nightmare…"

 

"You had grabbed Mr. Ramon--"

 

Alex looked around.  "I…"  Had she?  She didn't remember.  All she could remember was Max and the little girl.  The forest.  The dream that had changed…but wouldn't stop.

 

"Alex?" came his voice softly.  "What was happening in your nightmare?"

 

They were all alone, which she knew he'd done purposely, to give her space.  It was odd.  It was also nice because it wasn't like her to completely flip out at work or be overly emotional, so having the time to calm down without feeling like she needed to snap back to the calm, collected, normal exterior was quite welcome.  "It's nothing," she tried to push away, her eyes squeezing shut, and her head shaking slightly.

 

"This isn't nothing."

 

When she opened her eyes, she found that he'd scooted closer to her.  "It's a nightmare."

 

"There's something you aren't telling me."

 

"You're probing…"

 

"No, I just know how to read your face."

 

Alex scrunched up her face at that commented and turned away for a breath before looking back at him.  "They're reoccurring dreams...but they're always different...sometimes not by a lot…"

 

"Alex--"

 

"It's not impairing me from doing my job," she insisted quickly.  Alex sucked in a heavy breath before pushing it out.  "I mean, I know it doesn't look that way right now, but--"

 

"You needed more sleep."

 

Alex nodded.  "Normally they don't upset me so much...not like this…"  Sure, she'd sat up in bed crying before...but this...this left her with a strange feeling in her chest.  She wasn't exactly sure what it was.  All she knew was that it made the situation all the more embarrassing.  "I'm sorry…  I just--"

 

"I don't want you working with The Pipeline project--"

 

"I can't just not go into The Pipeline or--"

 

"But right now, it's still so fresh in your mind, Alex," he told her gently.  He wasn't upset.  "I want you with Adler," J'onn said, his voice partially authoritative and yet still calm and gentle.  "Benanti can take lead on overseeing The Pipeline's reconstruction."  

 

She didn't argue that.  Alex knew that Benanti would certainly be a better choice than Adler (that was clear since Adler had had it at one time and Alex was still surprised that she hadn't killed Cisco).  "Okay," Alex finally said after a long pause.  

 

He got to his feet first and then extended a hand to her, helping her up.  "I'm going to have Harewood take you home," J'onn said.  She knew better than to argue with him given the tone he'd delivered the order in.  "We'll make arrangements so that you're able to get here tomorrow."

 

Alex just gave a nod and sucked in a breath.  Better Harewood than Benanti, he'd allow her the silent lift home while Benanti would have brightly talked her ear off and tried to invite herself up to her apartment.  She really wasn't up to entertaining.  "J'onn--"

 

He must have sensed that she didn't like the fact that she was being sent home because he immediately added something before she could finish saying what she was going to.  "You can work on the primary report update for the president for me," J'onn offered.  

 

That was something that she'd pestered him about letting her help with in the past, but he'd always told her that he had it handled.  She tilted her head slightly before giving a slight nod.  He obviously was trying to give her something to do, but she wasn't going to argue it because she wanted something to do.  So, this would work out perfectly.  "Okay," she finally spoke.

 

"And you'll call Kara or me if you need someone?" 

 

"Yes."

 

And she meant it.

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


"I'm okay, really…"

 

"We're just eating dinner with you," her mother said quietly as she pushed around some lettuce in her plate.

 

Alex eyed them both.  Kara had been there at some point, but she'd been called away by the DEO.  There was a fire somewhere in the city and her sister's superhero powers had been needed.  She was fairly sure that they were there because J'onn had sent her home early and hadn't let her drive herself home.  "I was just going to eat leftovers…"

 

"There wasn't anything in your fridge."

 

"There was beer," Alex and her father said together.

 

Her mother was clearly trying to surpress her smile as she shook her head at them.  "It's never a bad thing for us to have family dinners...there were so many that we've missed…"

 

That was true.

 

"You do realize we're missing, Kara," Alex pointed out.

 

"She'll be back for dessert," her dad said with a smile.  

 

That was also true.

 

Kara would likely come back, eat the rest of her dinner, eat a carton of ice cream, and the whole time she'd be talking a mile a minute.  

 

As much as J'onn had sent her home to rest, she was also glad to have her family there.  It was a nice change.  Plus, it wasn't like they'd be staying.  They'd go when she asked (if not on their own).  Alex had a feeling that her mother wanted to push about what had happened, but she was keeping quiet.  The only person she really wanted to even talk to about it was Kara...who wasn't currently there.  Maybe it was all the years of distancing between herself and her mother, all of the lost years with her father and them not building up that bond during her later teenage years up until quite recently, but the only person she really felt like talking to about such close personal things within her family was her sister.                   

 

"We wanted to ask you something, Alex," her father spoke up after a silent moment.

 

"Not right now, Jeremiah," her mother started to argue.

 

That only made Alex want to hear what they had to say more (as long as it didn't have anything to do with Lord Technologies).  "What is it?"

 

"When is there going to be a better time, Eliza?" Jeremiah countered.

 

Her mother immediately had an answer for him.  "When there's...less...stress--"

 

"You know that there's always something for the DEO to contend with, right?" Alex brought up.  "If it isn't Trigon, then it will be another threat…"

 

"Alexandra, it's just--"

 

"I know, you worry...and that's fine, but that doesn't mean that you have to hold off talking to me about things," Alex explained to her mother.  "It actually might distract me, you never know…"

 

"Well, it  _ is _ a distraction we were discussing," Jeremiah said.  "We were saying that we should do a family vacation.  We always said that we should do a family vacation back before Kara joined our family...and we never got to do that.  I know that it might still be difficult for you two to get time away, but we think it would be good."

 

"We were back and forth between how exotic it should be."

 

"I almost think that we just need to go to a resort that has everything in it with guided hiking tours and things like that," Jeremiah said.  "Maybe we've had enough self guided adventure."

 

"Have you talked to Kara about it?" Alex asked.

 

"No."

 

"Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea," Alex told them with a shrug.  "Some beach somewhere…"

 

"Spa," her mother brought up.

 

Her mother had completely lit up and her father looked so pleased.  It was sometimes so odd to have her father back and maybe this was what they all really needed.  There was so much of the world ending or just...the impossible and extraordinary.  That was the world that Alex had grown up in, but sometimes that was exhausting...and she knew that she wasn't alone in that feeling.

 

"Maybe we should brainstorm places before Kara gets back," Alex suggested.  "And then we'll just tell her she has to go."

 

Her mother's disapproval immediately came out, "Alex…"   

 

"Sometimes we need a push…"

 

"Normally, you're the one who needs the nudge."

 

"Well, this time it's going to be Kara's turn."

 

"Why do you think that?" Jeremiah questioned.

 

"Because she's my sister."

  
  


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

  
  


TBC…

 


End file.
